BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round?
It’s got three intials, it’s uniquely British and it’s rightly cherished, so naturally the Tories hate it. What could be better than a US-style insurance system getting us all addicted to prescription opiates and forcing us to sell our houses when we get cancer?
Frankly it keeps causing trouble and the next two people lined up for the throne seem dangerously compassionate. Either they’re replaced by Conservative appointees or the whole thing goes.
Why are people watching an eight-hour documentary about the Beatles when they could be reading the novels of Nadine Dorries? Because they’re wrong. All Beatles albums, solo albums by Beatles and Oasis’s back catalogue are now banned. Isn’t that great?
Hotbeds of sedition. Why, this very weekend they were full of working-class drinkers taking the piss of Boris for his multiple parties and shit excuses. Lock the doors and arrest everyone inside.
The fact that millions of Brits feast on potatoes every day – even though good British beef is available, and can be sliced and fried in much the same manner – is an affront to Conservative landowners. Chips are illegal. Boris is your only sustenance now.
A game that wasn’t invented at Eton has gone on long enough. Pack up the clubs and sell all the players. Send squads around to burn all Panini albums, copies of My Story by Steven Gerrard, or other memorabilia. It’s for your own good.
Winning the war
How deeply insensitive of Britain to harp on about beating Germany in World War Two when their own prime minister is blonde, blue-eyed and wants to rule the world. It’s hurtful. From now on the Conservative party is renamed the Nazi party and everyone supports it or faces the consequences.