The BBC, and seven other things much more popular than Boris Johnson he can kill to win the nation round

BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round? 


It’s got three intials, it’s uniquely British and it’s rightly cherished, so naturally the Tories hate it. What could be better than a US-style insurance system getting us all addicted to prescription opiates and forcing us to sell our houses when we get cancer?

The monarchy

Frankly it keeps causing trouble and the next two people lined up for the throne seem dangerously compassionate. Either they’re replaced by Conservative appointees or the whole thing goes.

The Beatles

Why are people watching an eight-hour documentary about the Beatles when they could be reading the novels of Nadine Dorries? Because they’re wrong. All Beatles albums, solo albums by Beatles and Oasis’s back catalogue are now banned. Isn’t that great?

The pub

Hotbeds of sedition. Why, this very weekend they were full of working-class drinkers taking the piss of Boris for his multiple parties and shit excuses. Lock the doors and arrest everyone inside.


The fact that millions of Brits feast on potatoes every day – even though good British beef is available, and can be sliced and fried in much the same manner – is an affront to Conservative landowners. Chips are illegal. Boris is your only sustenance now.


A game that wasn’t invented at Eton has gone on long enough. Pack up the clubs and sell all the players. Send squads around to burn all Panini albums, copies of My Story by Steven Gerrard, or other memorabilia. It’s for your own good.

Winning the war

How deeply insensitive of Britain to harp on about beating Germany in World War Two when their own prime minister is blonde, blue-eyed and wants to rule the world. It’s hurtful. From now on the Conservative party is renamed the Nazi party and everyone supports it or faces the consequences.

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Five f**king delightful emails to find in your inbox on Monday morning

IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook: 


There’s nothing more energising than an email that came in two minutes after you pissed off on Friday, signalling that you’re going to get a bollocking from your manager for not anticipating that you needed to stay late… for something some shitbrain had forgotten.

Annual leave request – denied

Everything’s automated nowadays, to the extent that HR now just sends out blanket emails telling you that no, you can’t go to your sister’s wedding in August because it might be ‘a busy time in the office’. Meaning more important people haven’t booked their holidays yet.

Re: re: Project that never ends

Sorry, could you take one last look at this spreadsheet? Have another run at this PowerPoint? Send a kiss-arse email to the client again? Shall we all go back to first principles on this one? This work nightmare won’t f**k off no matter how what. The best you can do it pass it to someone you hate before you leave.

Not what I asked for

Incidentally, that thing you were working on for five days straight? Yeah, it’s not what your project manager wanted at all and there are 531 comments on the document to that effect. He’s keen to stress that there might be something salvageable in it, though. Maybe a whole sentence.

Book your casual meeting with downsizing consultant

The rumours of restructuring have been flying and lo and behold, they’ve got some corporate genius in to sort the wheat from the chaff. Time to spend days preparing for an ostensibly friendly chat that will decide if you have a job or not in six weeks time.