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Can you tell the difference between Reform and The Island Of Reject Tories?

EVERYBODY loves Reform, while everybody hates prominent Conservatives who lost their seats at the last election. But are there similarities between the two? 

Jonathan Gullis, new Reform UK member

The same simian member for Stoke-on-Trent North who lost his seat last year? No! This former deputy chairman of the Conservative Party has put his past behind him, found new principles and is unrecognisable! They couldn’t be more different.

Similarities: zero

Chris Green, another new Reform UK member

‘It’s a very common name,’ explains Chris, which is why you might think he was the Conservative MP for Bolton West. In fact he is not somebody who the electorate punished for doing nothing for their deprived area, but someone else.

Similarities: none whatsoever

Lia Nici, also new to Reform

How could anyone be the face of change and an alternative to the Uniparty if they’d previously been parliamentary private secretary to Rishi Sunak? ‘I was only there on work experience, which included being MP for Great Grimsby for five years,’ she clarifies.

Similarities: unrelated, have never met

Danny Kruger, MP for East Wiltshire

Danny, an honest man who would never lie to or mislead his constituents, admits he was once a Tory. ‘But only until I got elected and then I changed sides,’ he says, showing off the breathtaking intellect that makes him such an asset to Reform. ‘I’ve not yet been rejected,’ he adds.

Similarities: so tiny not worth mentioning

Dame Andrea Jenkyns, mayor of Lincolnshire

Always a rebel, especially when she was a staunch backer of prime minister Boris Johnson, Jenkyns is literally a different person to the unpopular politician who Leeds South West and Morley kicked out in 2024. ‘I wear a spangly catsuit and sing songs I wrote myself,’ she explains, ‘and that’s what Britain needs.’

Similarities: superficial

Marco Longhi, Adam Holloway, Sir Jake Berry, Maria Caulfield, Henry Smith, and Sarah Atherton, all Conservative MP who lost their seats last year

Any suggestion of bandwagon jumping is a total lie, these politicians who the public voted out agree. ‘We all had a Damascene conversion and realised Reform was the future,’ they chorus in unison.

Similarities: perhaps 0.000001, if that

Conclusion: everyone can spot the difference between reject Tories and new Reform members, for they are not in any way the same. Remember this at the ballot box.

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Dad belatedly realises how f**ked up paper rounds were

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was. 

Stephen Malley, aged 51, was telling his two disbelieving sons that for much of his teenage years he would rise before dawn, collect a heavy bag, walk empty streets delivering newspapers, then go to school, then do the same again in the evening.

He continued: “I got paid a tenner a week for that. Other kids who couldn’t get paper rounds were well jealous. What the f**k?

“Out in the cold and the pissing rain carrying 12 pounds of newsprint – 24 on a Sunday – traipsing round rough estates where every other house had a massive scary dog hurling itself at the door. Seven mornings a week, six evenings a week. That shit was mental.

“I’d arrive at school exhausted. I’d leave school and go straight to the newsagent. Why exactly did my parents put child labour ahead of GCSEs? To save on pocket money?

“If you found out 14-year-olds were setting alarm clocks to deliver your Amazon parcels at 7am you’d think it was weird, right? Some minor celebrity would go on The One Show and launch a campaign to stamp the practice out.”

Son Kayden said: “I do not believe I should have to work until I am 25, and I do not believe Dad.”

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