Chinese spies were checking MPs they'd bought were working

THE so-called Chinese spies in Westminster were only checking the MPs they had purchased were operating correctly, China has explained. 

A spokesman for the People’s Republic admitted a few researchers were paid agents of the Chinese state but were merely performing due diligence on the MPs they legally own.

He continued: “Let us be honest. British workmanship is not the best. Would you buy a UK-made smartphone? Exactly.

“So where we have no option but to purchase products manufactured in your country, like these politicians, we employ maintenance teams to give them regular tune-ups and make sure they are voting right. Otherwise you’d be surprised how often they go haywire.

“After all we own huge swathes of this country, from real estate to supply chains to water companies, and our investments are hardly safe in your hands, are they? Brexit? Johnson? Truss? Hmm?”

He added: “Your prime minister, Mr Sunak, confronted our premier Li Qiang about this at the G20. At one point he went quite red in the face, but remembered who he was speaking to and apologised.”

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Slackers, bastards and boring pricks: the colleagues everyone has over their career

NO matter what the field you work in, from architecture to zookeeping, you’ll work with arseholes. And they’ll fall into one of these six types: 

The slacker

Late, unreliable, hazy on detail, the slacker also excels in drawing you into their conspiracy. Somehow you’ll end up sharing credit on their shit projects, taking blame for delaying them and being caught by your line manager trying to get their Beyoncé tickets and you don’t even f**king like Beyoncé.

The self-elected boss

There’s the real manager, and then there’s this wanker. Convinced they wield unofficial but undeniable authority, they use it to enforce a police state and boss you around. Can be five years younger, can have been here half as long, can be shit at their job; none of it matters. They just want to demonstrate their bastard leadership credentials.

The flirt 

Has she decided her charm, looks, and openness to shagging superiors is the path to a successful career? Or does she genuinely treat any group situation as a swinging party just waiting to happen? And why doesn’t she flirt with you? Is it because you’re ugly, or just unimportant?

The boring bastard

Incapable of joining in gossip, never on nights out, always eating the same sandwich at the same time at his desk, married and mortgaged in his early 20s, his crime isn’t just being boring but being disquietingly proud of it. Openly disdainful of your belief that you’re more than just a wageslave. And ultimately, perhaps he’s right?

The absolute twat

You’ll always remember your first. There are people who get jobs to work off every grudge they hold against the world, to be as hateful as possible to every workmate, to exercise their unique brand of nastiness to ruin your day, your career or your life. You’re scowling as you think of them even now.

The judgmental prick

Believes himself above it all. Sits at his desk filing all the rest of his colleagues into pathetic little categories, pretending he’s actually an important creative while filing risk assessments for an insurance business in Lancaster. Everyone else in the office regularly goes to the pub without telling him. He never realises.