'Christ, we're f**ked': Seven honest three-word slogans for the Tories to use

‘STOP the boats’ is the Tories’ latest idiotically simple three-word phrase to try to reel in voters. These would be far more honest:

‘Double your mortgage’

You thought things were bad under Boris Johnson, but then Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng came along and made things worse in a very personal way by doubling your mortgage, before pissing off and leaving you to struggle with the fallout. ‘Get f**ked, bastards’ is your three-word slogan about it.

‘£3000 energy bills’

Yeah, the government has bailed us out a bit, but given the eye-wateringly enormous profits energy companies are merrily bragging about, they could help even further. The Conservative Party might hate taxing huge corporations, but presumably they hate nobody voting for them even more? 

‘What levelling up?’

Despite the fact that Michael Gove is apparently still Secretary of State for Levelling Up, the whole sorry project seems to have fallen by the wayside to the point where it doesn’t exist. The Tories should just admit it was always as made-up as f**king fairies, although the entirely fictional fey folk have been described in far more detail than ‘levelling up’ ever was. 

‘Culture wars rule’

Lacking any good ideas for improving the country, Rishi Sunak has admitted that he is going to fight the next election on persecuting minorities. He doesn’t seem to have realised that the only people who will vote for this are those like your Uncle Gary who thinks men who use moisturiser are gay drag queen paedos, but it should become clear once the election results come in.

‘Brexit sodding Brexit’

It’s been going on for years. The public are bored of it. The government is bored of it. Even its most rabid supporters are bored of it. So they should be honest about the fact that Brexit clearly did not mean Brexit and put this on their stupid little podium instead.

‘Wild lockdown parties’

The public knows they happened. The current prime minister was given a fixed penalty notice for one. So rather than playing them down with oh-so-hilarious excuses about being ambushed by cake, the Tories might as well just own it. Admit you had a f**king brilliant time getting sloshed in Number 10 – there’s little left to lose at this stage.

‘Christ, we’re f**ked’

This government is running on empty, desperately creating policies which will ultimately only appeal to the right-wing nutjobs who were going to vote for them anyway. Will this win an election? Quite possibly not. There’s another three-word slogan for you.

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Trying to go gastro: Five death knells for your local pub

WITH pubs in the UK shutting down at an alarming rate, here are five traditional desperation measures that mean a boozer is about to close for good.

Trying to ‘go gastro’

Pub food is simple: burgers, gammon and pineapple and maybe a lasagne if the chef went to college. So for an average pub a gastro revamp is a sign of trouble. Suddenly you’re confronted by an array of horrors by a cook who doesn’t know what he’s doing: ‘crayfish scotch egg with curry sauce’, ‘rump of wood pigeon in a chocolat jus’, ‘chicken carpaccio with stewed prunes’. Luckily they’ll shut down before there’s a mass poisoning.

Only the local pisshead goes in

When a formerly buzzing local starts to die, there’s one customer who remains loyal – the local alkie. He’s got his own stool and he’s been in every day for the past 17 years to enjoy the sparkling conversation of a few morose words with the landlord. The place is only open because he’s too addled to realise it’s cheaper to buy a bottle of voddy and sit in the park. Still, he’ll be saving some cash soon.

The landlord actually starts working

Darren the ‘gaffer’ might have his name above the door, but for years it’s just been his personal social club to drink pints every night with the regulars. Now he’s had to sack all the barmaids he wanted to shag and start doing some shifts himself. Unfortunately, he can’t pour a Guinness and doesn’t know how to operate the till. It’s his own fault for slacking off all these years, but you can’t help feeling sorry for him when asking for a spritzer sends him into a tailspin of confusion.

Strippers at noon on a Tuesday

Quiz night, karaoke and bingo have all failed to get punters in, so how about a woman willing to take her clothes off? It’s a tragic affair and everyone just feels grubby and just stares into their pint of Coors. The pub still closes down and with hindsight it was unfair to expect miracles from Katrina’s tits. On the other hand it was rough as f**k anyway, and if they turn it into a Costa at least you won’t get battered for spilling someone’s caramel macchiato with hazelnut syrup.

They’ve stopped showing the football

Despite installing far too many flat screen tellies only a few years ago, the price of Sky Sports means they’ve stopped showing the footie. So now those huge TVs just play whatever sport is free: crown green bowling, athletics and the rubbish version of darts. Or they’re left on BBC1 all day, so you can enjoy Pointless on mute then The One Show on mute right through to The Ten O’Clock News on mute, making frontline reports from Ukraine weirdly relaxing.