‘STOP the boats’ is the Tories’ latest idiotically simple three-word phrase to try to reel in voters. These would be far more honest:
‘Double your mortgage’
You thought things were bad under Boris Johnson, but then Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng came along and made things worse in a very personal way by doubling your mortgage, before pissing off and leaving you to struggle with the fallout. ‘Get f**ked, bastards’ is your three-word slogan about it.
‘£3000 energy bills’
Yeah, the government has bailed us out a bit, but given the eye-wateringly enormous profits energy companies are merrily bragging about, they could help even further. The Conservative Party might hate taxing huge corporations, but presumably they hate nobody voting for them even more?
‘What levelling up?’
Despite the fact that Michael Gove is apparently still Secretary of State for Levelling Up, the whole sorry project seems to have fallen by the wayside to the point where it doesn’t exist. The Tories should just admit it was always as made-up as f**king fairies, although the entirely fictional fey folk have been described in far more detail than ‘levelling up’ ever was.
‘Culture wars rule’
Lacking any good ideas for improving the country, Rishi Sunak has admitted that he is going to fight the next election on persecuting minorities. He doesn’t seem to have realised that the only people who will vote for this are those like your Uncle Gary who thinks men who use moisturiser are gay drag queen paedos, but it should become clear once the election results come in.
‘Brexit sodding Brexit’
It’s been going on for years. The public are bored of it. The government is bored of it. Even its most rabid supporters are bored of it. So they should be honest about the fact that Brexit clearly did not mean Brexit and put this on their stupid little podium instead.
‘Wild lockdown parties’
The public knows they happened. The current prime minister was given a fixed penalty notice for one. So rather than playing them down with oh-so-hilarious excuses about being ambushed by cake, the Tories might as well just own it. Admit you had a f**king brilliant time getting sloshed in Number 10 – there’s little left to lose at this stage.
‘Christ, we’re f**ked’
This government is running on empty, desperately creating policies which will ultimately only appeal to the right-wing nutjobs who were going to vote for them anyway. Will this win an election? Quite possibly not. There’s another three-word slogan for you.
