London snow more important and expensive than rest of country's snow

THE snow which has fallen on London is more significant and valuable than snow that has settled in other areas, it has been confirmed.

Meteorologists are in agreement that the snow in the capital is of an all-round higher grade – and therefore more disruptive – than the worthless flakes of white muck which have drifted down outside the M25.

Scientist Susan Traherne said: “London snow might look like ordinary snow to the layman. But under the microscope you can see the crystals are really trendy and more worthy of everyone’s interest.

“It’s no accident or a freak Arctic blast that brought these crystals to the city. They were likely attracted to its luxury apartments, thriving media industry and diverse blend of cultures. Why would they choose to land anywhere else?

“Meanwhile the cheap and nasty dandruff-like snow coming down in other parts of the country is so insignificant the news isn’t talking about it. And rightly so. It’s disgusting.

“Some ordinary flakes of snow might get ideas above their station and drift towards London to study at Goldsmiths, but it’s only a matter of time until they’re forced out by rental prices. Good riddance, I say.”

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Eight great songs that were ruined by featuring in shit ads

A GUARANTEED way to ruin a classic song is using it to flog rubbish in an annoying advert. All these tunes will never be the same again.

Our House, Madness – Maxwell House

One of the defining pop acts of the 80s, with a bit of ska revival cred to boot. Years later Madness decided to hawk their musical integrity to one of the shitter instant coffee brands. Even Kenco would have been better. Come on, Suggs et al, did you really need the money? Er, their last single in 2012 reached the giddy heights of 88 in the charts, so probably ‘yes’.

Pink Moon, Nick Drake – Volkswagen

One of the great tragedies of Nick Drake’s short life was that he never got to experience the acclaim his music would one day receive. The second greatest tragedy though is a German car manufacturer using one of his mournful melodies to fool pricks into buying the equally short-lived Volkswagen Cabrio.

I Feel Free, Cream – Renault 21

It’s inevitable that a song about feeling free would be used to praise the joys of the open road, when the lyric should really say: ‘I’ve got an unexciting Renault for my daily grind of school run and work.’ It’s a shame the ad men didn’t pick something less predictable by Clapton’s psychedelic rock trio and really confuse potential car buyers with Tales of Brave Ulysses.

Heartbeats, Jose Gonzalez – Sony Bravia

This hauntingly beautiful guitar ballad feels like a flawless piece of music – until you hear it set to footage of San Francisco being buried under millions of luminous bouncing orbs as if there’d been an explosion at a factory that makes the balls for ball pits. 

Perfect Day, Lou Reed – BBC

The BBC must have had dirt on Lou Reed, ready to be aired in a Panorama special, to blackmail him into letting them use this classic. The multi-performer single was intended to promote the BBC, which, if you heard it, you were already f**king watching. Moreover, the crap airing on the BBC back in 1997 – The Brittas Empire, Ready Steady Cook and Esther – was a far from perfect day’s viewing. 

Are You Gonna Be My Girl, Jet – Apple

In the mid-2000s Apple seemed hell-bent on shitting all over as many popular rock songs as possible, featuring them in an infuriating series of ads where silhouettes of people spasmodically jigged along to the featured track. Hearing Jet’s classic weaponised to sell iPods could only leave you feeling hollow and dirty.

Spaceman, Babylon Zoo – Levis

Okay, hardly an enduring classic but everyone liked the speeded-up bit, which, much to the annoyance of people who bought it, wasn’t the whole song. Levis used it on a forgettable retro 50s sci-fi ad with questionable effects. Meanwhile singer Jas Mann pissed off the music press then released a samey follow-up single. And thus Babylon Zoo disappeared as if the Zeta Reticulans had got them.

Bohemian Like You, The Dandy Warhols – Vodafone

One of the great alt-rock songs of the 90s. And of course, nothing screams ‘Bohemian’ quite like 100 free webtexts and unlimited calls to the same network for only £20 a month. What would the next musical betrayal be? An iconic punk figure trying to sell you butter? Surely not.