Could you survive five minutes in Boris Johnson's f**king nightmare life?

BESET by scandals, with a one-year-old and a newborn and no f**king money; Boris Johnson’s life is a self-made nightmare. Could you survive it? Play our interactive game.

1. You wake up to the sound of screaming. It turns out to be the new baby, the one-year-old, the new wife and a press secretary, all in concert. Which do you deal with first?

Go to 2 for your family or 3 for your work responsibilities.

2. Carrie, with a baby in her arms and a child trailing behind her, is demanding you hire another two nannies as back-up for your current nanny, and adds you need a new £16,500 vintage velvet sofa as Wilfred has been sick on it.

To disagree, go to 4. To agree, go to 5

3. Your press secretary informs you that your press chief has been outed for giving out awards at the Christmas party you’re still denying happened. 

To fire him, go to 6. To come clean and admit there was a party, go to 7

4. Carrie coldly informs you that she gets what she f**king wants or she goes to the press, and that your entire office is run by her mates. Weakly, you agree. Go to 5.

5. After agreeing to the expenditure you realise that, because of alimony and childcare and your profligate lifestyle and paying off the last nanny who you titted up, you are f**ked for cash. How will you pay for it?

To finish your Shakespeare book, go to 8. To call a Tory donor, go to 9

6. Your press chief tells you that if fired he will release full details of all six parties held, all illegal promises made to donors, and security film of you titting up a nanny on the stairs. You agree to take full responsibility. Go to 7. 

7. Deciding that you’ll get away with it you turn on the old Boris charm, admit there was a party, offer a full and humorous apology, and wait for the press and public’s forgiveness. They agree you should resign immediately. 

To brazen it out, go to 10. To resign, go to 11

8. You open the file ‘Boris Shakespeare book’ to find it is only 600 words long and all of them are bollocks written while drunk on Chablis. Exhausted at the thought of actual work, you call a Tory donor instead. Go to 9. 

9. You call a donor to beg for a few grand, offering him the NHS in return. He responds that he has already paid £52,000 for gold wallpaper, never got the Isle of Wight as promised, and has gone to the press. Go to 10 to face the music. 

10. The media has turned on you, there is a new scandal every day, your own party is openly discussing your replacement and you are thoroughly miserable. The Sun’s headline tomorrow is ‘DICKLESS WONDER BOLLOCKSES UP CHRISTMAS’ over your face in clown make-up on a dog’s body. You decide to resign. Go to 11. 

11.The Queen refuses to accept your resignation until you fix the ‘complete balls-up you have made of my country’. You trudge back to Downing Street to continue life in your own personal hell. 

Congratulations! You have made it through a day being Boris. Another one tomorrow.

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1970s charged with sexual harassment

THE 1970s have been arrested on multiple charges of gross sexual misconduct by pretty much every bloke of the era.

In the first case of its kind, the Crown Prosecution Service decided it was simplest to charge the decade as a whole, since absolutely everyone from Benny Hill to John Peel was at it.

CPS spokesman Nathan Muir said: “From secretaries being treated like bunny girls in the executive boardroom to rock stars unable to go a whole album without a song lusting after 16-year-old girls, or younger, it was rampant.

“Men certainly knew what was going on because every last one of them was doing it.”

Seventies bloke Tom Logan said: “We didn’t talk about ‘harassment’ back then. It was just a bit of ‘how’s your father’, a bit of a ‘leg over’, bit of ‘chance would be a fine thing’.”

“What you’ve got to remember is that these were saucy times. We were all saucy. A pinch on the bottom was considered a deeply respectful compliment, which it was. It’s saying ‘Well done, love, for having a lovely arse’.”

“Schoolgirls were more sophisticated back then. They were up for it. They went all the way. That’s why they were played by 32-year-old women on the telly.

“Yes, they were all asking for it. Well, not from me. I’m an arsehole.”