DAVID Davis plans to halt publication of the government’s Brexit white paper by using his SAS experience to swing through a window on a rope.
After a disagreement over customs plans, the Brexit minister and former Territorial SAS trooper will assault the final meeting about the document, ‘taking out’ cabinet colleagues if necessary.
Speaking from the roof of 10 Downing Street and wearing a balaclava, Davis said: “The time for talk is over. I’m a man of action, despite sometimes giving the impression of being half asleep.
“At 11.10am exactly I’ll give myself the ‘go’ signal by closing my fist, then rappel down the building and smash through the glass feet-first.
“Then I’ll tuck-and-roll into the room, drop a couple of smoke grenades, fire a three-round burst into Michael Gove’s chest, grab the white paper and get the hell out.
“After that, with Brexit negotiations firmly in my control, I’ll write a best-selling series of books like Andy McNab. I’m going to call the first one Who Davids Wins. That’s a great title.”
Davis is currently in hospital due to cocking things up as usual and having to be cut free by the fire service after impaling his foot on railings.