David Davis to use SAS skills in Brexit disagreement

DAVID Davis plans to halt publication of the government’s Brexit white paper by using his SAS experience to swing through a window on a rope.

After a disagreement over customs plans, the Brexit minister and former Territorial SAS trooper will assault the final meeting about the document, ‘taking out’ cabinet colleagues if necessary.

Speaking from the roof of 10 Downing Street and wearing a balaclava, Davis said: “The time for talk is over. I’m a man of action, despite sometimes giving the impression of being half asleep.

“At 11.10am exactly I’ll give myself the ‘go’ signal by closing my fist, then rappel down the building and smash through the glass feet-first. 

“Then I’ll tuck-and-roll into the room, drop a couple of smoke grenades, fire a three-round burst into Michael Gove’s chest, grab the white paper and get the hell out.

“After that, with Brexit negotiations firmly in my control, I’ll write a best-selling series of books like Andy McNab. I’m going to call the first one Who Davids Wins. That’s a great title.”

Davis is currently in hospital due to cocking things up as usual and having to be cut free by the fire service after impaling his foot on railings.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The elderly parents' guide to computers

ARE you quite old and find computers baffling and terrifying? Don’t worry – our guide will tell you everything you need to know.

Getting started

This is easy because your son or daughter will set up the computer for you. Remember to drive them to distraction with questions like, “What’s Video X Pro? Where do you put the batteries in? What if a spider gets inside?”

Once the computer is set up after considerable time and effort, show your gratitude by saying, “It all seems like a lot of fuss and bother. We’re not sure we really want one now.”

Other devices

Your computer is not somehow connected to all other electrical devices you own. It is perfectly safe to use the computer and have the TV on. There will still be enough electricity. It will also NOT interfere with your radio, turn the cooker on or agitate the cat.


An ‘email account’ just means ‘your email’. It is not your bank account. You can tell this because your bank is called ‘the Natwest’ and not ‘Yahoo’, and Yahoo is not a bank. It’s that fucking simple.

Basic computing

There are really only three things you need to know about computers:

1. You can watch old films on YouTube and write to people using the aforementioned ’email’ without buying a stamp. Let’s face it, this is all you will be using it for.

2. You cannot ‘break’ computers by using them normally. This only happens if you do something phenomenally stupid like putting it in the dishwasher. Which you will.

3. Computers are not evil and do not watch you and report your activities to the government.

Staying safe online

Be sure to do the classic ‘older computer user’ thing of being utterly paranoid about giving your details to reputable companies like John Lewis, then completely forget about it when sent a clearly bogus email such as:

“FREE GARDEN CENTER PRODUCTS!!! Yes, you is lucky 1,000th persons chosen for FREE GRADEN CENTER PRODUCTS!!! Just send bank account details to [email protected]. HURRY HURRY! Gnomes soon run out!!!”  


Similar to ‘Getting started’. Constantly phone your daughter in a panic insisting ‘hackers’ have taken over your computer but all you’ve done is open a new window and have no idea how to close it.