HE’S the prime minister supposedly with a mandate from the people, but do you have any idea what Rishi Sunak actually stands for? Take our fiendish quiz.
Will he reintroduce austerity?
A) Rishi, tight with money? No way. He chucked us all a few quid during lockdown and his billionaire missus has got cash to spare so he’ll probably be really generous with public spending. Definitely.
B) Yes, and it will be much worse than the last decade. Pundits will have to make up a stupid new word for it like ‘skintpocalypse’.
What’s his triple-lock pensions policy?
A) It’ll rise with inflation as promised, d’uh. He wouldn’t want to alienate the Tories’ core voting demographic of penny-pinching old f**kers.
B) He hasn’t stated it yet, which means he’s probably going to find some way to undo it. He’ll blame it on Putin or the cost of living crisis or the EU, whichever is more convenient at the time.
Is he for or against flying people to Rwanda?
A) Against, surely? Only someone really evil like Priti Patel would support such a thing, and it’s not like the diet version of her has just returned to cabinet after a brief suspension.
B) He’s totally for it. Why else do you think he invited Suella Braverman back to join his cabinet? Christ knows it’s not because she’s competent.
What’s his stance on Brexit?
A) On what? God, it’s been so long since the news has mentioned that. Probably because it’s going so well we don’t need to worry about it. Er, I dunno. Pass.
B) He’s a Leaver who thinks being out of the EU will unlock the country’s full potential. Judging by the results so far, he wildly overestimated Britain’s potential.
What’s his one, singular personality trait?
A) He’s a bit of a nerd who loves Star Wars. I bet The Empire Strikes Back is his favourite because he seems like a smart guy with good taste.
B) He’s a bit of a nerd who loves Star Wars. I bet The Rise of Skywalker is his favourite because he seems like a misguided idiot who probably thought the Emperor coming back was ‘sick as’.
Mostly As: Congratulations, you haven’t got a clue what Rishi Sunak stands for. You’re free to go about your day in peace without buckling under the stress of our doomed collective future.
Mostly Bs: Sorry, sounds like you’ve kept up to date with the news and can look past Rishi Sunak’s slick if very boring public image. Yes, he’s about to usher in a new era of austerity and reduced public spending, but at least he wants to ban fracking, eh?