JAMES Cleverly has told LGBT football fans they will need to make compromises when visiting Qatar for the World Cup. Here’s his guide to how you should behave.
Don’t stick a flare up your arse
Taking your trousers down and shaving a lit flare up your bum is a traditional way to express your delight that England are playing. However, the Qataris may not understand that this is the completely normal behaviour of a fully heterosexual British male, and we don’t want to upset them, so be sure to only do this in the safety of your hotel.
Don’t hug your friends
We must show respect to the homophobic, human-rights-abusing host nation, so think twice before giving your male pals a cuddle when England scores. And the Qataris don’t even like public displays of affection that couldn’t be interpreted as gay, so you can’t snog your girlfriend either. A firm handshake will have to suffice.
Don’t get pissed
Brits love getting drunk at the football and doing stupid things like fighting or urinating in public, but this will go down very badly in Qatar whether you’re gay or not. Unfortunately, telling England fans to take it steady on the beers is pointless, so the local British Embassy is going to have a lot of work on its hands come November.
Don’t ponder the ethics
The event has been dogged by accusations of corruption, bribery, slavery, exploitation and a rollback of LGBTQ representation in football. But don’t say that aloud in Qatar because that’s the kind of thing a woke, liberal, gay leftie would bring up. And Qatar’s got the right idea about a lot of things. Public floggings in this country would go down well with our voters.
Don’t go and watch the rugby instead
Ultimately, is it really worth stepping back into the closet so you can spend hundreds of pounds going somewhere unpleasantly hot where you can’t drink? Yes. Don’t you dare watch the rugby world cup instead, even if a British team might have a hope of winning that.