Don't stick a flare up your arse: James Cleverly's guide to being gay in Qatar

JAMES Cleverly has told LGBT football fans they will need to make compromises when visiting Qatar for the World Cup. Here’s his guide to how you should behave.

Don’t stick a flare up your arse

Taking your trousers down and shaving a lit flare up your bum is a traditional way to express your delight that England are playing. However, the Qataris may not understand that this is the completely normal behaviour of a fully heterosexual British male, and we don’t want to upset them, so be sure to only do this in the safety of your hotel.

Don’t hug your friends

We must show respect to the homophobic, human-rights-abusing host nation, so think twice before giving your male pals a cuddle when England scores. And the Qataris don’t even like public displays of affection that couldn’t be interpreted as gay, so you can’t snog your girlfriend either. A firm handshake will have to suffice.

Don’t get pissed

Brits love getting drunk at the football and doing stupid things like fighting or urinating in public, but this will go down very badly in Qatar whether you’re gay or not. Unfortunately, telling England fans to take it steady on the beers is pointless, so the local British Embassy is going to have a lot of work on its hands come November.

Don’t ponder the ethics

The event has been dogged by accusations of corruption, bribery, slavery, exploitation and a rollback of LGBTQ representation in football. But don’t say that aloud in Qatar because that’s the kind of thing a woke, liberal, gay leftie would bring up. And Qatar’s got the right idea about a lot of things. Public floggings in this country would go down well with our voters. 

Don’t go and watch the rugby instead

Ultimately, is it really worth stepping back into the closet so you can spend hundreds of pounds going somewhere unpleasantly hot where you can’t drink? Yes. Don’t you dare watch the rugby world cup instead, even if a British team might have a hope of winning that.

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Seven drinks to help you sink into oblivion you can pretend are perfect for autumn

THE dark, depressing nights are drawing in and you’re scared to put the lights or heating on, so the best option is to get wankered. Here are seven drinks with a flimsy autumnal theme.

Martini with a twig garnish

Olives are overrated, so make your drinking more autumnal by floating a few dirty twigs in your martini instead. Speed up getting shitfaced by turning it into a drinking game: whoever realises they’ve got a twist of dog turd in theirs has to down the rest immediately.

Pumpkin whisky cup

The recipe couldn’t be simpler: hollow out a pumpkin, fill it with Jack Daniels, swig. Just remember not to bother making holes for a mouth or eyes or you’ll make one hell of a mess – especially later in the evening once you start using the pumpkin as a puking receptacle. 

Woolly jumper wine

For some autumn-themed secret drinking on the go, wander around a leaf-strewn park with a bottle of merlot up your jumper. A lot like mulled wine, but not mulled. For even better results, swap out the bottle for a box of wine and enjoy staring up at those crisp October skies as you spurt Tesco ‘zesty white’ directly down your throat.

Pine cone tequila

To give your shots a twist, don’t sink your teeth into a lemon wedge every time you down a tequila, crush a pine cone on your forehead instead. The combination of tequila and blows to the head will give you a lovely autumnal dizziness before you collapse. 

Beer conkers

Like ‘beer pong’ except you throw conkers into the cups instead of ping-pong balls. If you’re lonely as well as sad, there’s no need to play this in company, just line up ten pints on the far side of your bedroom and knock yourself out, literally.

Gin and oak leaf

Never mind the tonic, just whack some neat gin in a glass with a tasteful oak leaf garnish. Continue the autumn vibe by using the leaf to wipe sick from the side of your mouth after the purge that will inevitably follow 12 of these bad boys.

Wellie vodka

Hide your autumnal drinking problem from your family or housemates by stashing a bottle of vodka inside a muddy Wellington boot and sneak a quick swig whenever you pass the front doormat. It’s fine because the Duke of Wellington probably designed wellies for this very purpose, and he kicked arse at Waterloo.