ENERGY Secretary Ed Davey has turned detective to find out why bills for gas and electricity are rising so sharply.
The amateur sleuth has said that a direct connection between price increases and record profits is “too obvious” and has critics singin from the bad guys hymnsheet.”
Davey, wearing a tan trenchcoat and fedora, said: The free markets nobodys patsy. So when competition aint making for lower prices, its this gumshoes job to find out what goon threw a wrench in the works.
The Energy Secretary began his investigation by breaking into the offices of Ofgem late at night and combing through files with a torch in his teeth.
He commented: Nothing wrong with these fat cats giving themselves 100 per cent year-on-year pay rises. Thats the price you gotta pay at the top.
And all the shareholders are doing is demanding that growth is prioritised over sustainable infrastructure investment, which makes them as innocent as a nun in a nunnery.
Thought there might be something in this green taxes ballyhoo, but its one big floppin red fish. Nothing but a bunch of complicated tax shelters.
So the only explanation that fits all the facts is no, wait a minute. This whole goddamn privatisation mess cant have been just a big scam, all along?
Moments later, Davey was knocked cold by a blackjack from behind, loaded into a British Gas van and driven to where some men had dug a rectangular hole as part of ’emergency overnight pipeline repairs’.