Retired people flooding UK with shit art

BRITAIN’S retired people are producing overwhelming amounts of poor quality artwork, experts have warned.

Art industry insiders have warned that unless people in their 60s can be dissuaded from churning out paintings of dogs and landscapes the market will implode.

Gallerist Tom Logan said: “With an ageing population, the UK has more and more retired people exploring the artistic potential they mistakenly think they possess.

“Typically these pictures are titled Bicycles, Family, or Peaceful Beach. Often they are sold at small galleries that are also bistros.

“Exhibitions of retired art are lucrative because relatives feel emotionally blackmailed into buying pictures of themselves, even if the strange proportions make them look like the big guy from The Goonies.

“No one wants to buy good art any more because their houses are already full of pictures by their parents and grandparents.”

66-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I started painting as a hobby but my friends say my vivid use of colours on works like Rainbow and Tree are really eye-catching. Maybe I am the next Picasso.”

Retired civil servant Stephen Malley said: “”I’ve even done a modern art piece, Blocks, and made some ceramic hedgehogs.

“After I’ve conquered the art world I might write an espionage thriller called something like The Dragon Process.

“Then I will die.”

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Little Big Planet inspires charming crime spree

A DELIGHTFULLY cute crime spree was inspired by the Playstation game Little Big Planet, a court has heard.

Teenager Wayne Hayes, 15, caused mayhem after playing the platform game set in an adorable miniature universe for 37 hours without a break.

Prosecuting barrister Denys Finch Hatton said: “Hayes was first seen breaking into a builder’s yard with a woollen hat pulled over his face, where he fashioned a seven-metre skateboard from a sheet of chipboard and the wheels from a delivery van.

“He proceeded to ride the giant skateboard down a hill and onto a dual carriageway, whilst jumping excitedly in the air.

“With police in pursuit, Hayes entered a zoo, where he evaded capture by running up the neck of a giraffe, leaping into a tree full of monkeys and over a large crocodile, forcing officers to call off the chase for safety reasons.”

The court heard that Hayes was later seen attempting to attach wooden wheels to a horse in a farmer’s field.

When challenged he fled into the grounds of a nearby castle, where he managed to avoid security staff and a number of amusing ghosts before attempting to climb the battlements.

Finch Hatton said: “Hayes was repeatedly tasered by firearms officers, causing him to convulse in an endearing way before being taken to a secure psychiatric unit.”

Sentencing Hayes to 18 months in a young offenders’ institute, judge Julian Cook said: “I suggest that in future you choose less morally corrosive video games, such as Manhunt or Carmageddon