Filling in forms correctly is woke, says Laurence Fox

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six knobheads that will never reply to your message

ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.

The one you made arrangements with

Whether it’s a date with cold feet or a flaky friend, this knobhead will ignore your final quick message to confirm without even the courtesy of a bullshit excuse like ‘My cat’s suffering from ennui’. Now you’ve gone to the trouble of having a shower and putting on nice clothes, but at least you’ll look good buying consolatory booze in Tesco Express. Shame your chat-up options are limited to the old biddy transfixed by the sliced bread like it’s bags of free diamonds.

The one you lent something to

You kindly loaned them something and months later you’re asking for it back, but there’s no response. Bizarrely, you start doubting yourself. Are you being petty for wanting it back? It was only a Nutribullet anyway, it was a bit of a faff, they’ve probably done you a favour taking it off your hands. It’s pathetic. Now you’ve got the shame of knowing you’re spineless as well as being unable to make a smoothie.

The one with the enticing message

A major irritant is the person that sends you a ‘Big news!’ or ‘OMG!’ message, with no context or further information. You’re instantly hooked like a particularly gullible fish. ‘What’s that?’ or ‘Do tell!’ you excitedly reply. Weeks later the big news turns out to be that Tony is back with Suzanne. You have no idea who Suzanne is, and Tony you met once a year ago. Should you block someone for lame gossip? Yep.

The one that thinks they’re superior

You used to be mates until they got a much better life than you with a six-figure salary, merchant banker spouse and an Aga resembling a steampunk ‘land dreadnought’. Now your attempts at reconnecting are being ghosted, and unless you have the same tedious bonding experiences of restoring a Tuscan farmhouse, you’re out permanently. You’ll have to be satisfied with happy memories of yesteryear, such as barfing up cider in a dogshit-filled park. How can they not miss that?

The one you’re seeing

Getting a male partner to read a message is difficult, but the chances of getting a coherent response are negligible. You can forget about a meaningful reply to ‘Have you fed the kids today?’, ‘Can you get some milk?’ and ‘I’m having an affair’. Try beginning each message with a thought-provoking question, eg. ‘Who would win in a fight between Sydney Sweeney and a monkey?’ It’ll grab his attention and may open a dialogue about not eating dry cornflakes.

The one you’re not seeing

You’ve sunk low enough to drunkenly initiate contact with your knobhead ex, and now they have the audacity to rub salt in your wound by not responding. Despite you dumping him, surely he owes it to you to engage with your long, rambling monologue of emotional nonsense in which he is portrayed as worse than Satan? He’ll also ignore your inevitable morning-after message asking him to ignore the previous message, the bastard.