BORIS Johnson deserves the worst Christmas presents ever this year. Here are some suggestions.
A kick in the testicles
Hoofing someone in the groin isn’t really the ‘spirit of Christmas’, but Johnson sorely deserves it for calling a general election in the middle of the most fun part of the year.
A Playstation 5 that only plays ZX Spectrum games
Imagine Boris’s delight as he unwraps a PS5 on Christmas day! But you have cunningly removed the innards and replaced it with a 1980s ZX Spectrum. As he excitedly gets ready to play the latest Call of Duty game, up pops Horace Goes Skiing instead.
Christmas dinner without any of the good bits
Boris should be made to sit down expecting a sumptuous Christmas dinner then only receive the least interesting elements: a big plate of mushy ‘gran’ sprouts and a boiled carrot. Although that’s too good and a cold Cup-a-Soup would be better.
An exciting – and possibly fatal – ‘experience’
A day of driving high-performance cars at Silverstone and other similar ‘experiences’ are super-cool presents, even if half the people giving them are only doing it to show off. However it would be great to force Boris to try such things as ‘A day in the bear enclosure at London Zoo’ and ‘Parachuting into brick walls’.
A traditional ‘disappointing’ present
You know the sort of thing: a pair of ‘fun’ Wallace and Gromit socks, a scented candle, WHSmith vouchers. For messing up everyone’s Christmas, Boris really does deserve just a travel backgammon set.