Five Christmas presents you'd like to give Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson deserves the worst Christmas presents ever this year. Here are some suggestions.

A kick in the testicles

Hoofing someone in the groin isn’t really the ‘spirit of Christmas’, but Johnson sorely deserves it for calling a general election in the middle of the most fun part of the year.

A Playstation 5 that only plays ZX Spectrum games

Imagine Boris’s delight as he unwraps a PS5 on Christmas day! But you have cunningly removed the innards and replaced it with a 1980s ZX Spectrum. As he excitedly gets ready to play the latest Call of Duty game, up pops Horace Goes Skiing instead.

Christmas dinner without any of the good bits

Boris should be made to sit down expecting a sumptuous Christmas dinner then only receive the least interesting elements: a big plate of mushy ‘gran’ sprouts and a boiled carrot. Although that’s too good and a cold Cup-a-Soup would be better.

An exciting – and possibly fatal – ‘experience’

A day of driving high-performance cars at Silverstone and other similar ‘experiences’ are super-cool presents, even if half the people giving them are only doing it to show off. However it would be great to force Boris to try such things as ‘A day in the bear enclosure at London Zoo’ and ‘Parachuting into brick walls’.

A traditional ‘disappointing’ present

You know the sort of thing: a pair of ‘fun’ Wallace and Gromit socks, a scented candle, WHSmith vouchers. For messing up everyone’s Christmas, Boris really does deserve just a travel backgammon set.

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How to be an annoying b*llend about Halloween at work

DO you think it’s fun to skip around the office in a scary mask shouting “Trick or treat?” at people using spreadsheets? Here are more tips on being horribly childish.

Dress up in a spooky costume

People who find an excuse to dress up at work are idiots, even if they’re doing it for charity. And Halloween isn’t a charity, so no one is getting anything out of your tiresome wackiness, apart from you.

Insist on bringing in hideous themed ‘treats’

All the supermarkets have jumped on the Halloween bandwagon so you won’t be short of weird sh*t like breaded ‘bat wings’ or pig-in-a-blanket ‘mummies’ to force into your colleagues’ repulsed mouths.

Jump out from the stationery cupboard shouting “Boo!”

It’s all fun and games until someone spills a tray of hot tea down themselves or has a heart attack. Then it’s an employment tribunal and a swift dismissal for you.

Bring in a pumpkin

Unless you’re a sculptor, all pumpkins inevitably look like Ann Widdecombe on a bad day. No one will appreciate it and then it will be left on a windowsill for a fortnight to go mouldy and start stinking.

Tell people who think Halloween is bullsh*t they’re boring

For most people work is painful enough without having to spend a day of it with grown adults who think it’s fun to put on a ‘sorting hat’ on and pretend to find out if they’re in Slytherin or Hufflepuff. Don’t make it worse for them.

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