STAUNCH ally of the EU David Davis has outlined the benefits of his recently unveiled Remainers’ Brexit. Let him lead you through it:
Freedom of movement
As an architect of Brexit, I knew taking back control of our borders was only a precursor to abolishing them entirely. Because without borders Britain will be a beacon to the best and brightest, zipping across the Channel to fill our desperately needed job vacancies. Our workshy can’t fill them because our incredible economy is booming right now.
Lots of lovely immigrants
Where would we be without immigrants? Exactly. That’s why my Remainers’ Brexit allows them to enter freely and stay for as long as they like. Only an idiot would try to shut them out without properly calculating the devastating risk. Thank Christ the open and tolerant people of this country would never vote for such a thing.
Bold burgundy passports
Our dreary navy blue passports, made in Poland by a French-Dutch company, do nothing to instil national pride. Under my arch-Remainer plans they’ll all be declared illegal next year, replaced by a bold, buccaneering burgundy. A quick flash of this bad boy will see you through an EU airport queue in no time.
A comprehensive Northern Ireland Protocol
The Protocol in the Withdrawal Agreement, which I personally cheered on until signed into law, was a prank. I can’t believe so many of you fell for it. My secret Remainers’ Brexit protocol sees us legally bound to adhere to the same rules as the Republic of Ireland. It’s basic common sense and I’m amazed nobody else thought of it.
Our Remainers’ Brexit wil only be complete when we rejoin the European Union. Once we’re members we’ll be able to export goods to trading partners on our doorstep, and we can rinse them for funding grants. Again, this was the plan for Brexit all along and this is a relatively trivial set of adjustments. Let’s not have any fuss.