Government ditches plan to educate people

THE government has scrapped plans to educate people aged between five and 22.

Education secretary Michael Gove said teaching children was too complicated and taxpayers’ money would be better spent putting pictures on things.

But Mr Gove said that the abolition of education means that GCSEs will continue.

He added: “The modern GCSE is a proven method of not-educating. Teachers need the couldn’t-give-a-shit structure of the GCSE system to ensure that no-one learns anything important.”

The GCSE will be reformed to ensure that the level of a child’s non-education will remain a secret until they actually sit an end-of-year exam.

Mr Gove said: “With continuous assessment you run the risk of discovering that a child may be learning something and that is just a bureaucratic nightmare.”

The National Union of Teachers said it would support the move as long as it meant that its members did not have to learn anything new.

A spokesman added: “We need to find a way of abolishing education that takes the hassle out of being a teacher.”



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Adults to be reclassified as children

MOST adults are to be reclassified as children due to their total lack of financial or emotional independence.

The Office for National Statistics believes most adults no longer resemble adults, lacking a house, car, stable relationship or the ability to operate a lawnmower.

A spokesman said: “Without their parents to pay their rent and explain ready meal instructions to them, the vast majority of adults would die.

“Many are not in long-term relationships, and so parents also have to provide emotional support when their 43-year-old son or daughter splits up with some twice-divorced middle manager.

“One explanation is that the difficulty of getting on the property ladder and decline in marriage have delayed the onset of adulthood for many people. Alternately, they may just be useless twats.

“That’s certainly what my dad called me yesterday when I asked to borrow some money for driving lessons.”

Parent Donna Sheridan said: “We’re getting a bit tired of supporting our son financially. It wasn’t so bad when it was just Star Wars figures and ice creams, but now he’s 46 and wants an index-linked pension.

“I wouldn’t mind, but he’s just not as cute as he used to be.”

Office worker Tom Booker, 39, said: “No-one in their 30s likes being dependent on their parents. But how else are you meant to get your clothes clean? Keep flushing them in the toilet?

“Anyway I’ve achieved my main goal in life, which was to keep wearing Nike Air Max trainers into middle age.”