Ha ha ha you had a shit Christmas, says posh girl

A POSH girl finds it absolutely hilarious that you had a shit lonely Christmas last year while she and all her mates had a big party. 

The privately-educated girl, who is paid £125,000 a year from public funds for doing nothing, broke into peals of laughter at the thought of the miserable little deprived celebration you had while she enjoyed cheese and wine in Downing Street.

She continued: “‘Party? What party?’ Oh, this is all such a hoot!

“Have you seen them? Meeting their parents in lay-bys to hand over gifts while we’re doing a full Secret Santa for 50 people? The juxtaposition is just exquisite.

“Carrie and Rishi and I – oh, we’re old old friends, thick as absolute thieves – just could not control our giggles when we read all these stories of old people spending Christmas alone. In the North, too! Can you imagine anything more tragic?

“We are so naughty, telling the whole of Britain not to have parties and then holding one ourselves. Such rebels. And it made it all the more fun.

“Are you recording this? You are? Marvellous, wing me a copy and I’ll share it on the WhatsApp. It’ll never not be funny.”

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Soft porn and other things killed by the internet

THE internet has brought many gifts, like feuding with strangers and easy access to conspiracy theories. But it’s also killed off these treasures: 

Soft porn

For a blissful few decades, soft porn was freely available. In our newspapers, in our lad magazines, in Red Shoe Diaries videos rented from a corner shop. It was the gentle sliproad to the world of real sex. Now there’s only unpleasant, orifice-focused hardcore pornography and the world is worse for it.

The Nigerian Royal family

The Nigerian Royal family used to be fine, upstanding people, an example to their nation. Then email arrived and a couple of morally lax princes with poor English used it as an easy way to part Westerners from their money. Now their name is reviled worldwide.

Local newspapers

Newspapers had a proud history at the heart of the local community, covering important stories like allotment robberies. But along came the internet, and people no longer had to wade through that shit for the job ads. Now their websites are all ‘ten shops near you that sell Pepsi’, or ‘seven dog breeds suitable for a Ford Fiesta’.

Stumbling upon stuff

Remember when you found that Bowie-in-a-dress LP for £2 on a market stall? That vintage Chanel gown? Those books you’d never heard of in a charity shop? Now the minute you think of anything you want, it’s straight on eBay to find out it’s either £4 including delivery or priceless. The only stuff you stumble across is unwanted crap.

Going out

Once upon a time, there was only telly. So anyone wanting a good time had to put on a coat and go out of their home. But along came Netflix and umpteen other streaming services and suddenly there was too much must-see prestige TV for you to go anywhere.

Wild lies

That man propping up the bar who swore he did a loop-the-loop when he captained a submarine used to be able to get away with it. You thought he was lying but you weren’t sure, especially if you’d had a couple. Now you Google it and know it’s bollocks in seconds, and something inside of you dies.