Hatred of 'woke' in inverse proportion to knowing what the f**k 'woke' means

THE people who get the most angry at things they believe are ‘woke’ are those who are the most ignorant as to what it means, it has emerged.

The term, which arose from African-American discourse to signify a greater awareness of racial prejudice and other social inequalities, has been seized on by idiots who think it means ‘anything I don’t like’.

Anti-woke campaigner Norman Steele said: “Just a decade ago, this country was great. You could laugh at the disabled. Cross dressing weirdos knew their place. And sketch shows were still just about able to get away with amusing blackface routines to which no one I know took offence.

“Then along came all this wokery, and we’re under the thumb of the likes of Kathy Burke, Gary Lineker, Marcus Rashford and all those other over-sensitive types who want to ruin my life by stopping me calling gay people ‘benders’.

“Is that what I think it means? Yeah, maybe. It means all sorts of things. Nationalising sausages, compulsory sex changes, ordinary British people banned from driving their cars to the corner shop, all television programmes illegal except late night Channel 4 filth.

“To be honest, it doesn’t really matter what it means as long as I can get puce-faced with rage about some stuff I’ve made up in my head.”

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Och, ye cannae bury one wee body

WHIT’S the world coming to? When a former First Minister and a former SNP chief cannae bury one wee body in their ain garden?

There may no be an independent Scotland, but ma garden’s ma ain, ken? And if ma husband and I have been doing a bit a late-night digging, whit business is it of yours?

The English media are all ‘this is a disaster for the SNP’. And A’m ‘this is nothing to do with the SNP. A bad Deliveroo order is nothing to do with the SNP. It coming withoot sweet-n-soor ribs is not the SNP’s fault. Wheesht.’

Thit’s all thit happened. The pair of us are a wee bit stressed, we order Chinese, the guy’s cheeky on the phone when there’s no need and it arrives withoot the ribs. Pure liberty.

And aye, it’s ma husband skelps him the first blow. Fair takes the top of the Deliveroo lad’s heid off with the scraper we keep by the door. And A can see where the wind’s blowing so A join in and chibbed him, because A’ve some frustrations of ma ain from recent times.

He’s deid in seconds. He didnae suffer. It’s us who suffered with no Chinese and having to get the spade oot and dig a shallow grave. Fair ruined the night.

Now the polis are round and it’s all SNP finance scandal. It’s no the SNP. It’s no but a wee murder like you’d see on Taggart in the day. So och awa’ and dinnae talk pish.