Impossible for women to be bad at sex, men confirm gratefully

BEING bad at sex is not something women are capable of, legions of appreciative men have confirmed.

Responding to mountains of magazine articles filled with sex tips for women, males have weighed in to say that they couldn’t give a toss about techniques or skills, and are just thrilled to be shagging.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Women have long reported the many ways men can be bad in bed, and have inferred from that experience that there must be ways they too can disappoint. They are wrong.

“The female sexual experience is as much mental as physical, and requires the right headspace in order to have fun. However, our research has shown that male brains are simply playing the thought ‘Wow, I’m having sex, this is amazing, I’m having sex’ on a loop.

“As long as the women don’t tut, sigh or look visibly pissed off, men will be deeply impressed by, and verbosely complimentary of, their performance every time. So, women, keep doing exactly what you’re doing, even if it’s just lying there doing f**k all.”

Nikki Hollis said: “My boyfriend is so enthusiastic about having sex that it’s over in ten minutes and we can get back to watching The Mandalorian. What’s not to like?”

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16 minor annoyances that mean you must vote Tory

PARKING apps! Those silver canisters you see in gutters. Noisy hen parties! Here are the 16 minor annoyances which must add up to a Conservative landslide:

Baristas getting your name wrong: legislation will be introduced to outlaw errors in all traditional English names.

Wobbly tables: a new Table Leg Tsar will be appointed.

Lost pen: Sir Gavin Williamson will head a taskforce.

Films that aren’t as good as you remember them: only Rishi Sunak is willing to guarantee Avengers: Endgame stands up on a rewatch.

Waiting for hot taps to get warm: When Britain becomes an innovative technology centre, waits will go down to a single second.

Hogging the duvet: a spirit of fairness, enveloping the nation, will ensure fair, equitable and competitive duvet sharing.

Pebble beaches: phased out in favour of sandy beaches by 2028 unless you like them in which case they won’t be.

Yapping dogs: freedom from EU standards will reduced all yapping by 85 per cent, guaranteed, even at postmen.

Cyclists going left through red lights: Major legislation brought in to counter it.

Misplaced TV remotes: fines.

Forgetting the one thing that you went to the shops for: text messages from low-earth orbit satellite system.

Uneven paving stones that, when stepped on with one foot, splash the other foot: hotline manned personally by Lord Frost.

Too many kebab places: following consultation, reduced to reasonable number of kebab places.

Hangover after one drink: complete overhaul of NHS Trust system with possibility of private provision.

Hair in shower drain: Withdrawal from European Court of Human Rights.

Telephone call not returned by builder: judge-led independent inquiry.