DELUDED parents think a choice of university is based on the courses and quality of tuition. As if. These are the real reasons:
Nightlife
University is a three-year party with wild roommates, crazy drugs and sex so casual you’re often unsure who it was with. Why else borrow 45 grand? So convince your parents a major city is educationally vital, because city centres have better clubs, early-evening discount hours and a Curry Mile.
Famous alumni
A valid reason for choosing your particular university is because famous people you admire went there. Royals and Nobel Laureates went to St. Andrew’s and Oxbridge, but you love Chaser Mark ‘The Beast’ Labbett and Katie Hopkins, so you pick Exeter and say it’s because of JK Rowling and Thom Yorke.
Fancying someone
There’s no better motivation for decisions that will guide your entire life than the desire to be near you fancy. Whether it’s a fellow sixth-former or brainy academic Alice Roberts, ignore the burden of student debt and the crushing disappointment of poor results, because it’ll all work out in the end. It did for Elle Woods in Legally Blonde so it will for you.
Distance from parents
If your parents haven’t worked out that you’re choosing the Sorbonne or the University of Patagonia to get as far away from them as possible, it only confirms you’re making the right decision. Having your life micro-managed from birth has filled you with wanderlust and driven you to minimise the possibility of interference. If only the University of Mars was accepting applications.
Friends
Choosing a university because that’s where your mates are going? Be careful. Within months they could become anarcho-communist vegan zealots and you’ve got no-one left to browse Primark with, and you can’t even lie to friends at home because they’ve told everyone you never leave your room and are nicknamed ‘Boo Radley’.
Facilities
Access to state-of-the-art facilities is key. Does your university have an extensive library of ancient books? Cutting-edge sports science labs? And accourding to former students, are there enough dealers in town punting Bubblegum Kush and MDMA to spend three years stoned off your tits?