The six real criteria for choosing a university, by every 18-year-old

DELUDED parents think a choice of university is based on the courses and quality of tuition. As if. These are the real reasons: 


University is a three-year party with wild roommates, crazy drugs and sex so casual you’re often unsure who it was with. Why else borrow 45 grand? So convince your parents a major city is educationally vital, because city centres have better clubs, early-evening discount hours and a Curry Mile.

Famous alumni

A valid reason for choosing your particular university is because famous people you admire went there. Royals and Nobel Laureates went to St. Andrew’s and Oxbridge, but you love Chaser Mark ‘The Beast’ Labbett and Katie Hopkins, so you pick Exeter and say it’s because of JK Rowling and Thom Yorke.

Fancying someone

There’s no better motivation for decisions that will guide your entire life than the desire to be near you fancy. Whether it’s a fellow sixth-former or brainy academic Alice Roberts, ignore the burden of student debt and the crushing disappointment of poor results, because it’ll all work out in the end. It did for Elle Woods in Legally Blonde so it will for you.

Distance from parents

If your parents haven’t worked out that you’re choosing the Sorbonne or the University of Patagonia to get as far away from them as possible, it only confirms you’re making the right decision. Having your life micro-managed from birth has filled you with wanderlust and driven you to minimise the possibility of interference. If only the University of Mars was accepting applications.


Choosing a university because that’s where your mates are going? Be careful. Within months they could become anarcho-communist vegan zealots and you’ve got no-one left to browse Primark with, and you can’t even lie to friends at home because they’ve told everyone you never leave your room and are nicknamed ‘Boo Radley’.


Access to state-of-the-art facilities is key. Does your university have an extensive library of ancient books? Cutting-edge sports science labs? And accourding to former students, are there enough dealers in town punting Bubblegum Kush and MDMA to spend three years stoned off your tits?

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Total bitch brazenly accepts compliment

A WOMAN has horrified onlookers by accepting a compliment without hesitation, deflection, or cringing humility.

Francesca Johnson told friend Joanna Kramer how good she was looking and was left dumbfounded when Kramer thanked her for it almost as if she was in agreement.

Johnson said: “I complimented her hair, expecting her to say she doesn’t wash it enough, that she needs her roots doing, and that she hates it and it’s a mess. Normal stuff.

“Instead she said ‘Thanks.’ That was it. Just ‘thanks’, as if she deserved it. So, stunned, I said that I really liked her top. Surely she’d say it didn’t fit, she’d had it for years or that it was from a bin in a charity shop? Even just some drivel about it having pockets?

“But no. Exact same thing again: a completely comfortable acceptance of the compliment. I mean the ego on this vain cow.

“She remarked on how clear my skin looked and I did the polite thing, telling her it’s actually hideous, and it’s no wonder given how badly I take care of it like the sloppy sloven slut I am. Bizarrely, she seemed almost confused.

“At least it was only in front of a woman. What if she’d blatantly had such high regard for herself that she accepted a compliment from a man? I can’t imagine how offended he’d be.”