Have as many live TV debates as you want, we won't watch them, says Britain

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First-time buyers still pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseating rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it has emerged. 

According to a new survey of the hopelessly naive, pathetic whimpering among prospective first-time buyers rose 34 per cent in the first half of 2024 with many still failing to comprehend that the world is a cold, uncaring place.

Nikki Hollis, a 28-year-old teacher, said: “My boyfriend and I work hard, dress tastefully and recently bandaged the wing of an injured jackdaw.

“Why, then, can we not get a mortgage on a £450,000 two-bedroom semi in Surbiton? Don’t start bringing up salaries. We’re good people.”

Partner Tom Booker said: “The bank says the only way we can afford our own place is buying cheap wine and the Lidl pre-sliced white bread that gives you cancer.

“The newspaper came round to take photos of us standing by a For Sale sign in the rain, looking forlorn. But still no one wanted to give us a house – well, there was one but it was in Zone 3 which is just not practical.

“I’m not sure I want to live in a country where it’s difficult to get things. And yet despite there being an election on, no party has yet knocked on the door to promise us the property we want, not even the Greens.”

Property expert Stephen Malley said: “High interest rates and rising prices mean young people, especially whingers who believe they should get everything on a plate because they got good GCSEs, are struggling to take that first step onto the property ladder.

“As if anyone gives a f**k.”