Hedge fund manager has secret crush on Mick Lynch

A MAN who manages liquid assets for a large conglomerate is harbouring a secret crush on RMT secretary Mick Lynch.

When not moving around big sums of money to make even bigger sums of money, PwC hedge fund manager Joseph Turner sneaks off to read the latest news about the union-leading firebrand on his phone.

He said: “It would never work. He’s a man of the people who stands up for the rights of rail workers, and I’ve frequently bought everything in How To Spend It before the new issue’s out.

“But you know what they say about opposites attracting. When I see Mick taking journalists to task on the news I can’t help but fantasise about bumping into him at Waterloo station. I’m taking the Eurostar to Brussels, he’s on a picket line, our eyes meet.

“We grab a coffee at the Pumpkin Cafe. Before long our opposing positions on the chessboard of capitalism are fogotten. We’re holding hands while the moonlight glints off his head.

“We go back to mine. He calls me a parasite. I call him a Commie. We tear off each others clothes and make savage, tender love. How can something so wrong feel so right?”

Mick Lynch said: “Don’t tell anyone but corporate Patrick Bateman types are my kink. Let’s give this a chance.”

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Homeworker forced to work to stay warm

A HOMEWORKER has been forced to do a hard day’s work to maintain enough physical activity to stay warm, she has admitted. 

Web designer Hannah Tomlinson has admitted burning through work at an unsustainable rate just to keep some feeling in her extremities.

She said: “It’s horrible. I check something off my list and settle back to watch an hour of Frasier, but within 20 minutes of total inactivity I’m shivering.

“Even online shopping isn’t working. The only thing that actually gets my circulation going by engaging both my body and mind is actually doing the work I’m paid to do.

“Honestly, once I get going it’s like I’m not sitting in a tiny, freezing office next to an ineffective ceramic heater. I’m typing away in an aura of my own bodily warmth. I get quite into the job. It’s sickening.

“Then I finish, and take a wellbeing break to do something healthy like browse Pornhub for an afternoon, and in no time at all I’m freezing again. It’s like a Victorian workhouse but I’m my own cruel master.

“Was this the government’s plan to boost productivity all along? Joke’s on them. I’ll soon have earned enough to put the heating on.”