How on earth could you detest us? ask bewildered Tories

A POLITICAL party that gives tax breaks to the wealthy and deports refugees to Rwanda is confused as to how anyone could dislike them.

After Nicola Sturgeon said she ‘detested’ their policies, the Conservative party have looked back at their long history of persecuting poor people and minority groups and are perplexed about what they have supposedly done wrong.

Tory MP Julian Cook said: “I’m shocked that someone we have always treated with deep respect, like the First Minister, can be so angry with us. We’ve always been so nice about Scotland. I love going there to shoot things.

“And it turns out lots of other people don’t like us too. We’ve been destroyed in the polls, but why? There was a slight f**k up where we made mortgages much more expensive while raising inflation, but that could have happened to anyone.

“It’s honestly a mystery. After all, everyone wants their country to be turned into a racist, bigoted, sewage-smeared hovel riven with poverty and inequality, don’t they?”

Ex-Tory voter Roy Hobbs said: “I was glad when Cameron did the Brexit vote because I could get rid of the Poles next door, but now they’ve even gone a bit far for me.”

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Woman unveils plan to warm icy hands and feet on boyfriend this winter

A WOMAN has developed an innovative scheme for staving off the cold this winter by leeching all the warmth from her partner.

Sophie Rodriguez received a worryingly large energy bill, looked at her boyfriend James Bates and started to form a clever, money-saving plan.

Rodriguez said: “Putting my freezing hands under James’ t-shirt is much cheaper than paying hundreds of pounds to British Gas. And I get to see him wince when I do it, which is a fun personal touch.

“And by shoving my icy feet into the back of his knees when we’re in bed I can keep warm while also pissing him off. It’s green, clean and brings us closer together. Physically, though maybe not emotionally, as far as he’s concerned.

“I’m basically a female Martin Lewis. Is there some way to market this? I’ll send a few tweets about it and hope Newsnight gives me call.”

James Bates said: “I do wish Sophie wasn’t perpetually sticking her chilly extremities in my soft, warm places. It’s like cuddling a corpse. However, at least this way I don’t have to contribute anything else to the relationship until spring.”