HAVE you been called upon, in your professional life, to defend the indefensible actions of a total twat? Tory MP Julian Cook explains how.
Hello there. Perhaps you’ve required, as part of your job, to stand up and pretend that the actions of an irredeemable arsehole are absolutely fine. Perhaps it’s a husband or family member who is so much of a dick you can hardly stand it.
When the moment to abase yourself arrives, first stand before a mirror and remove the expression of involuntary disgust from your face. Such grimaces are persistent so may require manual reshaping with the fingers.
Enter the room where your defence is to take place, and begin. Contrive at first not to mention the offence, as if the shit-flinging chimp behind you is barely worth noticing.
When challenged, as you will be, give a little chuckle at the roguish antics of a flagrant bellend. Then, humour established, move straight to your laughable excuse.
Deliver the supposed reasons why the actions – whether infidelity, spending money that is not theirs, lawbreaking or in this case all three – are in fact fine. Keep a straight face throughout, though both you and your interlocutor know this is horseshit.
Respond to all further questions, all of which expose your defence as atrocious bollocks, by repeating the same defence. Try not to allow your abject humiliation to show.
Finally, sternly bring up an unrelated but serious matter to suggest your questioner is frivolous for not discussing this. Act like this is a win. Leave, and have a little weep about how low you’ve sunk. Then do it again.
