DESPITE recent defeats in by-elections, the Conservative party isn’t going to magically disappear anytime soon. Here’s how to live with this deadly strain of politics:
Don’t read the news
Keeping up to date with current affairs is the most common way to be exposed to Tories, so avoid it where possible. Publications such as The Mail and The Telegraph are particularly virulent and are classed as a biohazard. If you come into contact with GB News, call NHS 111.
Maintain distance from Tories
Keeping at least two metres from a Tory means there’s less chance you’ll be infected with their contempt for the poor or their aspiration to renovate a second home. In Conservative hotspots like South Holland and The Deepings you may have to climb a tall building and send up a rescue flare.
Financial security will protect you from the main symptoms of the Conservative party, which include hungry schoolchildren and an underfunded health service. Don’t be overconfident and do a big shop at Waitrose. It’s a superspreading viral pump for blue values.
Don’t be foreign
Being non-British is treatable only by being dragged away by immigration in the middle of the night while Priti Patel looks on in wry amusement, so act as if you’re from round here. Even wearing an England shirt at Wetherspoons’ Tuesday Steak Club reduces the likelihood of sideways glances by up to 90 per cent.
Become a Tory
The Conservative party has let rip through the country over the last decade, so long-term you’re better off taking it on the chin and going for herd immunity. Once you have a Union flag in the background of your Zoom call they can no longer hurt you. Will permanently suppress the part of your brain that controls common sense.