I am leaving for the Brexit in my head, says Lord Frost

LORD Frost has resigned as Brexit minister because the reality of the job was ruining the clean, pure, eternally gratifying Brexit of his imagination. 

Frost, famous for turning up to initial negotiations with nothing but a blue suit and a smile, admitted that daily meetings with the EU were spoiling his own personal mental Brexit and he could not allow it to be sullied further.

He said: “In many ways, it’s my conception of Brexit – a simple dream where Britain enjoys tax and trade advantages far beyond any country on Earth, and attains perfection – that’s carried me through.

“I have never allowed that dream to be grubbied by rival politicians, by experts, by economists or business leaders. I have kept it with me and let it guide me.

“But over recent months, having been forced to actually sit down with EU officials, I have been brought face-to-face with reality. And I don’t like it.

“Reality seems to me biased, liberal, institutionally anti-Brexit and actively hostile to my most cherished beliefs. And I will not allow these petty penny-pinchers’ dirty hands on the Brexit of my mind.

“Instead I resign and I’m taking my Brexit with me to spend long unclouded days contemplating its unreal, luminous majesty. God, it’s incredible. If only you could see it.”

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'Alexa, get the wife something for Christmas' commands man

A MAN has outsourced the purchase of a thoughtful gift for his wife to a budget-priced artificial intelligence they keep in the lounge.

Despite being married to Lucy for ten years, Ryan Whittaker still feels his best chance of success is to rely on the inanimate object he normally only asks about the weather.

He said: “Alexa’s very good. She always knows the football fixtures, and the timings for fish fingers, and that I only like one Blur album. So it’s worth a shot.

“She gets on well with Lucy – I hear them chatting about true crime podcasts – and she listen to all our conversations, which is more than I do. I tend to tune out in case it’s nagging.

“Lucy’s hard to buy for because I’ve never bothered to ask about her interests. Alexa’s got the whole of Amazon at her fingertips. She’ll do a great job.”

Wife Lucy said: “Fine by me. Anything’s better than the leaf-blower from 2017 and the underwear we will never, ever talk about from 2012.

“Except I’ve just been emailed telling me I’ve paid £155.96 for my present of an Alexa for every room, because the f**king thing is hooked up to my f**king account.”