That's not a work meeting, that's a piss-up, says UK

THE UK’s entire population has rejected claims that the latest Downing Street party is a work meeting because it know a piss-up when it sees one. 

The party on May 20th last year, when the rest of the country was just about allowed to go to a park, was correctly identified as a proper drinking session by all the wine bottles on the furthest table.

Nathan Muir of Canterbury said: “There must be a bottle per person and everyone’s well away from the boss. That’s a piss-up.

“The picture tells its own story. Yes, the table in the foreground are taking it easy. That’s management. The next table are hitting the booze harder while remaining watchful.

“But the ones in the distance? They’ve moved in on the free drink hard, they’re not stopping until it’s all gone and then they’ll demand more. You can see by how close they’re staying. Those guys are getting hammered.

“One of them’s already on the floor doing God knows f**king what. The guy in the middle’s already texting his girlfriend with a bollocks lie. That is going on well past midnight and someone’s waking up in a hedge. The lying, drunken twats.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “It was a perfectly normal post-work gathering of 19 people mingling freely and drinking heavily while banning everyone else from doing so. Piss off.”

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Child questioning authenticity of garden centre Santa

A CHILD has ruined her family’s magical Christmas trip by carrying out a detailed analysis of the texture of Santa’s beard.

Grace Wood-Morris also asked probing questions about why Santa’s ginger eyebrows didn’t match his white facial hair, and why the elves had such a strong resemblance to pissed-off, overworked retail assistants.

Grace’s mum Sarah said: “Most kids just look at the twinkly lights and fat old man and are happy. However, Grace went full Miss Marple and started interrogating him about why the world’s busiest present deliverer would waste four hours hanging around in a Dobbies in Leicester.

“She didn’t bother saying what she wanted for Christmas, but got on with asking him exactly which countries he flew over to get here from the North Pole, like a particularly dogged police detective. She even asked her dad to take notes on his phone when she thought he was being inconsistent.

“However, the upside is that she’s realised he isn’t real. This means we won’t have to make elaborate excuses for why Santa couldn’t get the latest Paw Patrol toy and can just tell her it was sold out at Argos.”