A LABOUR leadership contest must happen because the public demands it. Here Britons reveal which much-loved MP they have chosen to be their eternal champion:
Ellie Shaw, teacher
“Is Bridget Phillipson a candidate? The one who slagged off Bob Vylan and hasn’t done anything else of note? She might be standing? Oh my God that’s fantastic news! I’m going to call my mum!”
Tom Logan, delivery driver
“Don’t most people own a Wes Streeting body pillow? I’ve been a stan ever since I first saw him on Question Time in 2017 and every night I go to sleep cuddled up to his stout little body and round, shiny face. God, I hope he betrays me one day.”
Mary Fisher, illustrator
“I feel Ed Miliband has proved himself by hovering on the fringes of power for decades while achieving nothing. These days he looks as if he’s just stepped out of a crypt, but I’d definitely consider voting for him if the polling station was in my living room.”
Lauren Hewitt, student
“Speaking as a genuine young person, I believe Angela Rayner is incredibly cool, or ‘rizz’ in our language. She’s tried DJing and she drinks alcohol, both of which ‘slap’. Plus her ‘fit’, or clothing, looks as if it’s chosen to be fashionable without considering what it looks like. That’s mad tough.”
Josh Hudson, paramedic
“Shabana Mahmood’s been doing a fantastic job of copying Reform so I hope she wins, because I love racist policies while still voting for a nominally left-wing party. Makes my dick hard.”
Donna Sheridan, solicitor
“Yesterday as I was going to work my neighbour Iain rushed out. ‘Have you heard?’ he said, ‘Lucy Powell might stand for leader!’ I howled with excitement, and soon the street was thronged with people chanting ‘LU-CY! LU-CY! LU-CY!’. That’s how much we love her, and if she doesn’t win we’ll start a terrorist campaign.”
James Bates, electrician
“It’s got to be Rachel Reeves for me, with her magnetic personality and incredible good looks. I know you shouldn’t vote for someone just because you fancy them, but face it, Rachel has the lad vote sewn up.”
Martin Bishop, delivery driver
“I like Andy Burnham as he seems normal, competent and committed to improving things. So naturally they’ll make sure he’s excluded and I can f**k off.”
