Ice sculpture takes lead in polls

THE ice sculpture in last night’s Channel 4 debate has roared to a 12-point lead in general election polling. 

The sculpture, now badly melted after standing under studio lights with a quiet dignity while politicians flailed about ineffectually, is trusted by three times more people than Boris Johnson and eight times more than Jeremy Corbyn. 

Floating voter Nathan Muir said: “A lump of ice? Why not. Ice has done me no wrong. 

“Yes, there was that time I slipped on a frozen puddle and fractured my pelvis, but that was my own fault. Unlike austerity and Corbyn’s plan to tax me for not turning my garden over to a vegetable-growing collective. 

“The ice sculpture was cold, sure, but not as cold as Theresa May. It was slippery, but not like that deceitful scumbag Johnson. It’s destined to melt completely, but not as cravenly as the Lib Dems. 

“I don’t care if it’s just a bucket of lukewarm water by December 12th. Draw a face on the bucket. It’s our next prime minister.”

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Barber bewildered after man not happy with the back of his head

A BARBER was thrown into confusion after a customer indicated they were unhappy with the back of their hair.

Norman Steele had just completed a ‘short back and sides’ when customer Stephen Malley shook his head after being shown the back in a mirror.

Malley reportedly said: “I’m not sure. It’s a bit square. Maybe you could make it more round?”

Steele said: “I was gobsmacked. No one is ever unhappy with the back. All I could think was, ‘What the hell am I going to do now?’

“Once the initial shock had passed and my hands stopped shaking I trimmed a bit more off. He seemed happy with that, but I’m still having nightmares about it.”

The incident is believed to be the first time a customer has not liked the back of their hair since 1951, which led to a tightening of industry standards and mass redundancies.