If you're not in a family get f**ked: Keir Starmer's new rules for Britain

IN his pamphlet The Road Ahead, the Labour leader has outlined his vision for Britain. Here are the key takeaways:

I want a turn at ‘taking back control’

The Tories have had a bash at taking back control and messed it up, so I deserve a turn. Given that I can’t even control the multiple warring factions within my own party I am bound to fail, but I want to try because I struggle to think up slogans of my own.

You’d better be in a family

Live alone? Can’t stand your family? Can’t have a family? Well, Labour’s not for you, you individualistic freak. We are the party of family. But only hard-working families, whose priorities I have pledged to put first. Lazy families are not welcome in my vision for Britain.

Patriotism is brilliant

Patriotism is brilliant but nationalism is bad. This is my simplistic way of appealing to both xenophobic flagshaggers and metropolitan wokesters. Yes, it’s sitting on the fence and no, it won’t appeal to either group but falling between two stools and not achieving much is where I feel most comfortable.

Capitalism is cool

Labour is the party of the working left, but who’s to say where the left really is? It could just be ever so slightly west of the right. So I’m bigging up the private sector, and making no mention of anything Corbynish like corporate tax avoidance or the trade unions. Once again, it will appeal to neither side and leave me floating around uselessly in the middle.

Some other vague stuff

This pamphlet is 12,000 words long and I still haven’t really got any concrete policies to fill it with, even though you’d think that was the point of the whole exercise. So I’m going to add in some meaningless waffle about a contribution society, cross my fingers and hope you vote for me next time.

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Beeping clears traffic jams: a driving lesson from an Audi owner

JULIAN Cook, Audi driver and all round car bellend, gives his take on the rules of the road.

Park where you please

If I’m not at a corporate lunch or networking on the golf course, I’m ferrying my gifted children to one of their many extracurricular activities. Thank god for double-yellow lines keeping vast sections of convenient road space free, so that I can park right by the music school to let little Oliver hop out for his cello lessons.

Passing cyclists

Those on bikes are vulnerable road users and could be in mortal danger if an incompetent driver gets too close. As such, it’s best to reassure them that, as an Audi owner, I possess excellent control of my vehicle. I do this  by speeding past them while leaving as little room as possible.

Beeping clears traffic jams

Other road users are to be pitied as most of them will never be able to afford an Audi. Due to their inferior intellect, they may simply forget what they’re doing while driving and slow down, thus causing a traffic jam. My constant beeping will remind them to start driving again, and also that I am amazing because I spaffed sixty grand up the wall on a car.

Driving behind someone

Most drivers fear being rear-ended. They know that their cars, which lack the same high construction standards typical of all Audis, would instantly crumple on impact. Driving as close to the car in front of me thus gives them peace of mind, as they know they’re buffered from other road users by several tons of premium German engineering.

Talking on your phone

To afford even one of the more modest Audis you need to be a highly successful executive. I am constantly driving to meetings, apart from when I’m on the way to play squash with Sebastian and the boys. Holding a phone to my ear indicates to other road users just how busy I am, and that they should pull over to let me pass.