If you're thinking of getting rid of me, two words - Liz Truss

By Boris Johnson

I’M not a complete chump, I know what you people think of me. That I’m a corrupt, incompetent arse only interested in yours truly, rather than the country I’ve bafflingly been elected to govern. 

Even some of my old Tory pals are beginning to cotton on. And there’s more than a scintilla of truth in that accusation.

But before you give me the heave-ho consider who’s coming up the rails to fill the prime ministerial shoes.

Liz Truss. That’s right. The Poundshop Thatcher. The queen of the far right bonkers brigade. The one who did that speech about cheese as if she’d just been kicked in the head by a horse.

You see the thing about me is that with all the Build Brexit Back Better, Bertie Booster nonsense, I don’t actually believe it, any more than old flagshagger Sir Keith Starmer wears Union Jack pyjamas to bed. I’m not an idiot.

Truss, though, does believe it. She’s got that mad gleam in her eye. She thinks securing a trade deal with the Christmas Islands makes us a world-beating nation and that we shouldn’t be ashamed of our nation’s wealth being built on the slave trade.

I’d say the same thing but only because I’m a cynic, not a raving, doolally, away-with-the-fairies loon.

Trust me, she’d be delivering the Queen’s speech herself against a 40-foot-high Union Jack, we’d be in an anti-EU alliance with Hungary and Belarus and you’d all be hankering for the days of kinder, saner Boris.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to prioritise which social interactions really matter to you, by Chris Whitty

WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:

Do I actually like these people?

I’ve spent the best part of the last two years standing next to a massive blond prick who embarrasses me constantly, so I know what it’s like to spend time with people you f**king hate. If you’re only hanging out with someone because you feel obliged to, sack them off in favour of people who don’t disgust you.

Will someone I want to shag be there?

A potential shag is an important variable that could make a social interaction worth it, even if the rest of the guests are bellends. If you decide to go, take sensible precautions, such as washing your hands and your hair, so you don’t look like a dirty old tramp.

How much free booze will I get?

An excellent reason for de-prioritising social contact is if you aren’t going to be plied with free alcohol and are expected to share your bottle of cheap supermarket Prosecco with other guests. If something is going to cost you money, ditch it. Like the government has with furlough.

Has it got anything to do with work?

Your Christmas party will have been cancelled by now, so it isn’t necessary to waste any of your precious socialising time on those twats you work with. I certainly won’t be hanging out with the guy I have to go on telly with, despite the fact that him and his pals throw big parties willy nilly and think it’s a massive laugh.

Is it worth ruining Christmas for?

Another way to put this is: ‘How shit is my Christmas going to be?’ If you want to get out of shrivelled pigs-in-blankets and Cluedo with the in-laws, go to every party you possibly can. You’ll catch Omicron and can spend the festivities in peaceful isolation.