I'm afraid you're going to have to be put down, Hunt tells Britain

JEREMY Hunt is to tell the UK that at this stage there is no saving it and it would be better for everyone if it were put to sleep.

The chancellor is to use his Autumn Statement to inform the nation, with a catch in his throat, that he hates to say it but he would not want to see us carry on in this much pain.

He will continue: “You’ve bravely soldiered on through the austerity and the Brexit and the pandemic, and we’ve still had some good times, haven’t we girl? Haven’t we?

“But sadly all that damage adds up, and after that little Truss trip-up in September it’s been impossible to ignore that as a country you’re on your last legs.

“We could keep going for a while longer but we both know you’re suffering. If we carried on it’d be crippling taxes, practically no public services, agonising inflation. You’d be limping along.

“Wouldn’t it be better to remember you as you were in your prime, gambolling and joyful? Not like this, struggling with pain in your eyes?

“I’m so sorry, old girl. It’s breaking my heart to do this but it’s for your own good. There there. Off to sleep. There there.”

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I’m f**king innocent, Raab tells bullying investigator he has pinned against wall

DOMINIC Raab has told an independent investigator that he has never bullied anyone, while slamming him repeatedly against a wall in the House of Commons. 

Gripping Martin Bishop by the lapels, the deputy prime minister maintained he had never behaved in an intimidating manner, before giving him a wedgie and telling him to ‘F**k off, you little turd’.

Raab said: “I never bullied no one, right? Write that down. Go on, write it down. Or the next thing you’ll be investigating is, ‘Why are all my teeth on the f**king floor?’

“I treat my staff with respect. But if they fail to do their jobs there might be harsh words in the heat of the moment, or an unexpected blow to the back of the head with a half-brick I keep in a drawer. 

“It’s all part of the rough and tumble of politics. This is Westminster, not the WI. And we’re all good friends once they regain consciousness.

“Now if you don’t tell those pricks I’m completely innocent, I’m going to give you a swirlie in the toilets – on a day when Corbyn’s been in there after one of his homegrown bean medley lunches, understand?”

Bishop said: “I’d like to say, for the record, that the bullying claims surrounding Mr Raab are unfounded. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to phone my wife to send me some more dinner money.”