'It's not a gamble if you know you're going to lose,' says Sunak

THE prime minister has rubbished claims he is gambling with his party’s future, explaining that it is not a gamble when losing is assured.

Sunak has told his party there is no doubt in his mind as to the outcome of the surprise July general election, therefore the element of risk had been entirely eliminated.

He said: “Gamble? This is a sure thing. We’re the Manchester City of electoral defeat.

“To those MPs concerned you will lose your seats, you absolutely will. Bank on that. Some of you to the f**king Lib Dems. Start coming up with excuses to fill that awkward 14-year gap in your CV now. I wouldn’t list me as a reference, not if you want the job.

“People ask why I’ve called an election now. Was it inflation? Was it Rwanda? Does it matter? It could have been the pollen count for all the difference it would make.

“There comes a time when putting six bullets in the chamber, giving it a good old spin, putting it to your temple and pulling the trigger is a bloody relief. Six weeks and we’re done. Don’t worry, I haven’t got any knockout policies up my sleeve. Quite the reverse.”

Daily Express reader Norman Steele said: “He’s bluffing. We’ll win by a landslide.”

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UK vibes on July 5th expected to be best ever

BRITONS have confirmed they are greatly looking forward to a sunny summer Friday when they wake up to find the Tories have been annihilated and the football is on.

As well as enjoying July events such as Wimbledon, the British Grand Prix and a variety of music festivals, Britons will have the added ecstatic thrill of seeing a bunch of venal and incompetent Tory MPs unseated after 14 years of f**king over the country.

Voter Sophie Rodriguez said: “After staying up all night drinking Prosecco and watching Jacob Rees-Mogg getting binned off by the good people of Somerset, I will switch over to the tennis and spend the afternoon gently sobering up.

“Later I’ll meet some friends in a sunshine-filled beer garden, where we will toast the catastrophic fall of the Conservative party, re-enacting the expressions on the faces of Jeremy Hunt and Suella Braverman as their dreams turned to dust in front of our very eyes.

“Then we’ll go inside to watch England win their quarter-final Euros match, which they definitely will, because it’s destined to be one of those days where everything goes our way. Yes, even the football.

“Obviously they won’t then go all the way and win the whole contest though. Football won’t be coming home. All the good vibes in the world couldn’t make that happen.”