Javid can't look at that bit of the office without gagging

SAJID Javid is unable to look at that part of his new office without almost vomiting, he has confirmed.

The new health secretary has angled his desk away from the offending area where the unspeakable thing his predecessor did took place, but still dry-heaves every time he has to walk past it.

Javid said: “It’s kind of around the corner, the place where he was kissing her and squeezing her bum and the camera had that perfect view of his bald spot. It’s just feet away. 

“But it’s a door so we can’t cordon it off. Every time I walk in or out I can feel myself retching. I have to cover my mouth. 

“Why couldn’t he use a broom cupboard like a normal love rat? I can’t concentrate on the Delta variant while they writhe over there in my imagination at the scene of the crime. If there’s a fourth wave that’s why. 

“It’s been deep-cleaned and we’ve taken out the lightbulb, but it’s still cold when you pass through it. If I haven’t got past this by Wednesday we might need to call in an exorcist. Until then I take a double whiskey every time I retch.” 

Hancock said: “It was out of sight of my portrait of Her Majesty the Queen. And that’s all that matters.” 

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'Okay, wow': Five stock phrases for boyfriends who aren't really listening

IS YOUR girlfriend banging on about something again? Were you thinking about football but love her enough to pretend you were listening? Use these phrases: 

‘Okay, wow’

Whether her flatmate’s nicked her milk again or her hairdresser is having a baby, this reluctantly-won astonishment covers all bases. Best used after a longish pause to make out the news has just sunk in, winning brownie points for being emotionally invested.

‘That’s crazy’

A lot of things in your girlfriend’s life could be crazy. A story about her meeting David Beckham on the bus would be nuts, but then so would one about her friend’s boyfriend being a twat like he always is. Exchange for ‘that’s mad’ and ‘that’s f**king mental’ as required.

‘I’m speechless’

Works great if she’s asked for your ‘take on the situation’ and you were quietly using the Wetherspoons app to pre-order tomorrow’s drinks. Also a good excuse to huff, puff and check Google to find out what this ‘gaslighting’ she keeps referencing actually means.

‘You deserve better’

It’s amazing how many situations, from having a bitch of a sister to wondering about that dress in the sale, this applies to. As long as she’s complaining and not giving you good news about a promotion, you come off sounding like a feminist ally, expensive American life coach and devoted boyfriend.

‘Poor you. Shall I open that prosecco?’ 

Celebrating or commiserating? Pouring her a glass because she’s had a bad day or a good one? You’ve no idea because you weren’t paying attention, but keep the noises non-specific for the first glass and it probably won’t come up again. ‘I think I’ve got a box of Maltesers’ is also acceptable.