Keir Starmer: 'I would be too thick to get into university today'

LABOUR leader Keir Starmer has claimed that he would never be able to attend university today because he would be too unintelligent.

He made the shock admission on a visit to Worthing where he discussed ways in which Labour would make the university system fairer for halfwits, dolts and dullards like himself.

Starmer said: “As a working-class lad coming from honest Northern Surrey, I was able to attend university because they had lowered their standards.

“Today? No chance. A durr-brain like myself, studying law at the University of Leeds? Come on. I wouldn’t get through a year without overloading my brain so deeply I’d be paying the price for decades to come.

“Back then, I could take a final exam, write a 100-word essay on whether crime was against the law, and walk out of there a barrister. Today’s teenagers don’t have that opportunity.

“Cretinous young people have to stay at home with their parents, who can help button shirts and show them which end of the spoon you eat with, and that’s holding back their aspirations. I’ll open higher education up to stupid bastards again.”

Education secretary Gillian Keegan said: “Nonsense. Anyone borrowing £50k for a worthless degree to enter Britain’s terminally depressed job market is already shit-thick.”

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Leonardo DiCaprio has a yacht. Therefore we must f**k the environment. By Roy Hobbs

SO-CALLED ‘environmentalist’ Leonardo DiCaprio has a big yacht. Therefore we must make Earth uninhabitable. It’s the only rational response to a single act of hypocrisy by a celebrity.

His yacht must guzzle diesel, and I’m furious that film stars have opinions that aren’t totally consistent with their lifestyles by insanely puritanical standards. I manage to be totally consistent – I think we should wreck the environment and sod the consequences – so why can’t they?

Take Mark Ruffalo, always droning on about global warming. Does he travel by plane? He should stop doing that and end his career. He should give up cars too, never travelling further than the 20-30 miles an average man can walk in a day. If he wants to make his Incredible Hulk films he can do it in his back garden. 

All these hypocrites – Susan Sarandon, Ben Affleck, Olivia Wilde and the rest – can piss off. What does Susan think her scripts are made of? Dead trees, that’s what. So unless you can invent a way of reading and writing scripts that doesn’t involve paper, stop your infernal yapping, woman.

And what about phones? All film stars have got them but they never mention the horrific conditions in cobalt mines in the Congo, except when they do. Only realists like me understand our standard of living comes at a price. Although to be honest I’m not fussed about cobalt mines because I hate Africa and Africans too.

Yes, Hollywood liberals could learn a lot from ordinary folk like me. I’m fanatically in favour of destroying the environment solely because it’s become a badge of honour for right-wing twats. So what if it’s an issue that goes beyond party politics? If a Just Stop Oil hippy gets their head stamped on by a white van man it give me a warm glow inside.

Admittedly stopping actors having predictable pro-environment opinions would be a level of authoritarianism unheard of even in Nazi Germany or Saddam Hussein’s Iraq. But if that’s what it takes to stop liberals and their evil socialism, so be it. (I really must look up what socialism means. I say it at least five times a day.)

I’d like to see hateful Hollywood scum like Natalie Portman and Emma Watson put in ‘green camps’ and made to eat leaves until their ribs stick out and their organs fail. Ha. That would learn them. So stop listening to these pampered Hollywood idiots and, just for once, listen to a normal bloke like me.