Nadine Dorries' guide to lazy girl jobs

HEARD about lazy girl jobs? They’re roles with low effort, low stress and lots of flexibility, which is right up my street. Here’s my guide to the top five.

Freelance writer

Writing is easy, especially if, like me, you’re happy churning out a f**kload of shit schmaltzy romance novels set in olden days Liverpool about poor people with big hearts. Poor people who would have definitely have voted Tory despite the miserable drudgery of their working-class lives. Especially if Boris had been around then. He’s such a stud. I mean, ‘politician with universal appeal’.

Social media manager

Before Saint Boris was driven from office by jealous bastards, I was his prized secretary for culture, media and sport, which means I know loads about the worldwide web (www). Yes, everyone took the piss when I made a baffling video about downstreaming movies and making the UK’s internets safer than the other internets, but people didn’t understand I am a visionary. Like Elon Musk. And he’s going to Mars any day now.

Digital content creator

Being able to make digital content is crucial in this day and age and it’s also a piece of piss. Remember that really cool rap I put on TikTok about online safety? It was lit, as the kids say, and didn’t make anyone cringe so hard their colon came out their nose, despite what they tell you.

Research assistant

Researching things is easy-peasy, so this is an excellent choice of lazy girl job. For example, I did some research when I decided to destroy Channel 4 for no reason other than because they were mean to peerless, perfect Boris. Admittedly I claimed they were in receipt of public money when they aren’t, but who cares? Nobody said the research has to be correct, right?

MP for Mid Bedfordshire

This is the ultimate lazy girl job, as I have proved by not speaking in the Commons since July 2022, and not voting on anything since last April. All while pocketing my £84,754 annual salary! And I’ve sort-of-but-not-really-resigned so they can’t even kick me out. Big result for the lazy girls!

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I-Spy in the airport terminal: a fun game for bored children and despairing parents

STUCK in an airport terminal waiting for a plane that shows no sign of being announced? Keep your kids entertained by looking out for these sights: 

A broken vending machine that disappoints a person every 30 seconds.

A WHSmiths. And another WHSmiths. And yet another WHSmiths. More WHSmiths than any one airport could ever f**king airport?

A plane crash. You don’t want it to happen but it would liven things up a bit.

An unkempt man sleeping across three chairs who has not stirred in hours.

Eager twats queuing up for priority boarding like they’re better than you.

An anxious dad checking he has his family’s passports and boarding passes every 30 seconds on average.

Hot air stewardesses clearly loving the attention sweeping past unimportant mere passengers.

A departure monitor showing that every flight except yours is running bang on time.

Storm clouds. Actually, don’t look out for them. Ignore them. They’re not there.

A businessman who is clearly having an affair with a woman 20 years his junior.

A lumbering, obese weirdo who you will later spot heading down the aisle of the plane to take the seat next to you.

Lengths of skidmarked tarmac. Not exciting, but you’ve got to work with what you’ve got.

Luggage handlers carefully placing your bags on the direct flight to Mombasa, where you are not going.

A withered pot plant that has only been watered with coffee dregs for the last 12 months.

A baby that better not f**king start shrieking at the top of its lungs. Off it goes.

Someone getting pulled into an interrogation room by security. Maybe they have a bomb? Oh no oh shit kids don’t say bomb, stop saying bomb. Please stop saying bomb.

A man gagging at the overpowering scent of the free aftershave he’s put on because he was bored and will now be smelling all the way to New York.

A honeymooning couple who have obviously just shagged in the toilets.

A couple celebrating their anniversary who are obviously on the verge of divorce.

A flickering strip light that is impossible to block out.

The word ‘cancelled’ next to your flight number. Back home you go.