Labour drops plans to stand at next general election

THE Labour Party has announced it will not be fielding any candidates at the next general election. 

The party leadership is concerned that if they oppose the Tories they might provoke adverse headlines in the Daily Mail, Sun, Times and Telegraph – precisely the sort of of negative publicity Sir Keir Starmer is seeking to avoid.

With a total of zero MPs, Labour will focus on holding the Conservatives to account by watching Sky News at home and tutting when the government does something they disagree with, which will not be often.

Labour Party spokesman Tom Logan said: “Under Starmer’s leadership we have shown that Labour is no longer adversarial for its own sake. Ordinary voters are fed up of that, although admittedly mostly Tory ones.

“Thanks to our previous leader, the terrifying ageing vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn, many voters are still fearful of Labour, believing they have plans to tax hardworking families to build gulags then put them in them.

“By not fielding any candidates at all we are sending out a strong message to those families, to businesses, to wavering Tory voters, that they have literally no reason to fear us. 

“This does not mean we won’t be putting the government under scrutiny. Keir has already told Rishi Sunak to ‘get a grip’. You could tell he was taking it in by the way he was scrolling his phone.”

Charlotte Phelps of Reading said: “People like me have been saying Labour needed to appeal to Tory supporters for years. Now they’ve done it I’m going to vote Reform because I am a typical f**kwit British voter.”

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What to do if your child identifies as Rishi Sunak

IT’S many parents’ worst nightmare – their child announcing they want to become Rishi Sunak. Here psychologist Donna Sheridan explains how to discuss it in a calm and supportive way.

Be honest about how you feel

People who transition to Sunak mostly feel happier in their new identity. But it can be hard for family members to accept that the person they knew is now a Tory bastard who prioritises cheap political point scoring over the feelings of bereaved parents. Do your best to understand, and not punch the arrogant little prick in the face.

Discuss the long-term effects with a surgeon

If your child wants to have surgery to become fully Sunak, it’s vital they understand what that entails. They’ll be a shortarse for a start. A good surgeon will be able to talk them through issues like not being able to reach things on high shelves, and suggest options such as platform soles or learning to use a pogo stick. 

Have they been unduly influenced by their peers?

Teenagers are often desperate for the approval of their peers and may see becoming a Sunak as a means to this. Check they’ve not started hanging around with Michael Gove or Kemi Badenoch, and if they have encourage them to find more worthwhile friends, such as gang members or heroin addicts. 

Prepare them for the possibility of Rishiphobic abuse 

Anyone becoming Rishi Sunak may well face hurtful personal abuse such as ‘Wanker!’, ‘Austerity is a failed economic policy!’ and ‘Why don’t you call a general election so we can f**king get rid of you?’. However it’s entirely possibly they’ll shrug off any criticism due to becoming a self-important yet utterly clueless arsehole who can’t see political oblivion staring them in the face like the grinning clown out of It.

Be aware even drug treatments may be hard to reverse

The transitioning process will normally begin with drug treatments designed to remove any trace of a genuine or likeable personality. However if they stop they may find their voice has permanently changed to Sunak’s irritating prissy whine, or they are no longer capable of performing normal everyday tasks, such as paying for petrol with a debit card.   

Discuss the limitations of treatment

It’s an awkward subject to broach, but their face or body shape may make it hard to convincingly pass as a Sunak. They may not, for example, be able to style their hair with a geeky side-parting slightly too far to one side. It may sound like a superficial issue, but it’s something to be aware of if they’re expecting to become a total dork.

Reassure them you will love them no matter what

Obviously this is a lie, because if you’re not repulsed by Sunak’s total indifference to the most vulnerable in society, you’ll be wishing he’d stick his false mateyness up his arse. The good news is you only have to put up with him for about eight months then he’ll be f**king off to Silicon Valley.