THE Labour Party has announced it will not be fielding any candidates at the next general election.
The party leadership is concerned that if they oppose the Tories they might provoke adverse headlines in the Daily Mail, Sun, Times and Telegraph – precisely the sort of of negative publicity Sir Keir Starmer is seeking to avoid.
With a total of zero MPs, Labour will focus on holding the Conservatives to account by watching Sky News at home and tutting when the government does something they disagree with, which will not be often.
Labour Party spokesman Tom Logan said: “Under Starmer’s leadership we have shown that Labour is no longer adversarial for its own sake. Ordinary voters are fed up of that, although admittedly mostly Tory ones.
“Thanks to our previous leader, the terrifying ageing vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn, many voters are still fearful of Labour, believing they have plans to tax hardworking families to build gulags then put them in them.
“By not fielding any candidates at all we are sending out a strong message to those families, to businesses, to wavering Tory voters, that they have literally no reason to fear us.
“This does not mean we won’t be putting the government under scrutiny. Keir has already told Rishi Sunak to ‘get a grip’. You could tell he was taking it in by the way he was scrolling his phone.”
Charlotte Phelps of Reading said: “People like me have been saying Labour needed to appeal to Tory supporters for years. Now they’ve done it I’m going to vote Reform because I am a typical f**kwit British voter.”