TORY party deputy chair Lee Anderson is best known for his bullshit cooking advice for poor people. But why stop with meals when there’s so much more you can do for 30p?
Cook a delicious meal
Not spending more than 30p per person is easy if you budget properly and cook for yourself. Which today’s bone-idle dole scum won’t do, right, Tory pensioners? Anyway, a bag of flour is 58p and lasts forever and a tin of Asda dog food is 77p. Hey presto – budget beef wellington.
Get a job
This is the root of the problem with you scroungers, isn’t it? Don’t complain about not having a suit for interviews. A bin bag is 24p, so with a few alterations you’ve got a brand new dark suit. Personally I used to be a miner, so I know the value of hard graft. Took me a few years to work out which way round you hold a pickaxe though.
Chat to friends on social media
Many public libraries only charge £1 for an hour, so for 30p you can have a whole 18 minutes of cruising the information superhighway. I’m a fan myself. I tend to post offensively simplistic bollocks, but that’s perfect for the thick, vindictive bastards who vote for me.
Go the cinema
First, save up your 30ps. Today’s instant gratification credit card generation won’t want to hear it, but it’s what we did in the good old days. Buy a ticket for your family’s ‘designated film watcher’. Afterwards they can explain the story to everyone else and act out the action bits with their hands. Just a shame it’ll be The Black Panther Man or some other woke ‘hero’.
Go on holiday
Okay, you won’t be flying to Barbados, but if you live in say, Birmingham, why not have a holiday in Dudley? A park bench makes a great ‘hotel’ while you immerse yourself in an exotic culture with different roads and chip shops. And there’s no need to worry about your carbon footprint, because you won’t be flying and global warming is bollocks anyway.
Enjoy an interesting dream
Go to sleep and hope you dream you can fly or something, which is great value for 0p compared with £36 for Alton Towers. As an aside, I have a recurring dream where voters keep saying to me: ‘You’re out on your arse at the next election, Lee, you dense twat.’ How strange! That’s the thing with dreams, they’ve got hidden meanings.
Visit a site of historical interest
Many are free, so enjoy them before the woke mob replaces every traditional English building with a statue of Lenin. I get plenty of history myself by visiting the Commons regularly to give speeches full of tired cliches pandering to right-wing morons. I actually get paid for this, and it’s £84,143.70 more than 30p.