Lee Anderson MP's guide to never spending more than 30p

TORY party deputy chair Lee Anderson is best known for his bullshit cooking advice for poor people. But why stop with meals when there’s so much more you can do for 30p?

Cook a delicious meal

Not spending more than 30p per person is easy if you budget properly and cook for yourself. Which today’s bone-idle dole scum won’t do, right, Tory pensioners? Anyway, a bag of flour is 58p and lasts forever and a tin of Asda dog food is 77p. Hey presto – budget beef wellington.

Get a job

This is the root of the problem with you scroungers, isn’t it? Don’t complain about not having a suit for interviews. A bin bag is 24p, so with a few alterations you’ve got a brand new dark suit. Personally I used to be a miner, so I know the value of hard graft. Took me a few years to work out which way round you hold a pickaxe though.  

Chat to friends on social media

Many public libraries only charge £1 for an hour, so for 30p you can have a whole 18 minutes of cruising the information superhighway. I’m a fan myself. I tend to post offensively simplistic bollocks, but that’s perfect for the thick, vindictive bastards who vote for me. 

Go the cinema

First, save up your 30ps. Today’s instant gratification credit card generation won’t want to hear it, but it’s what we did in the good old days. Buy a ticket for your family’s ‘designated film watcher’. Afterwards they can explain the story to everyone else and act out the action bits with their hands. Just a shame it’ll be The Black Panther Man or some other woke ‘hero’.

Go on holiday

Okay, you won’t be flying to Barbados, but if you live in say, Birmingham, why not have a holiday in Dudley? A park bench makes a great ‘hotel’ while you immerse yourself in an exotic culture with different roads and chip shops. And there’s no need to worry about your carbon footprint, because you won’t be flying and global warming is bollocks anyway.

Enjoy an interesting dream

Go to sleep and hope you dream you can fly or something, which is great value for 0p compared with £36 for Alton Towers. As an aside, I have a recurring dream where voters keep saying to me: ‘You’re out on your arse at the next election, Lee, you dense twat.’ How strange! That’s the thing with dreams, they’ve got hidden meanings.

Visit a site of historical interest

Many are free, so enjoy them before the woke mob replaces every traditional English building with a statue of Lenin. I get plenty of history myself by visiting the Commons regularly to give speeches full of tired cliches pandering to right-wing morons. I actually get paid for this, and it’s £84,143.70 more than 30p.

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Having nails aggressively sanded and glued a real treat for the soul, women agree

WOMEN have confirmed that having a complete stranger shove their fingernails into various different boxes and layer paste on them is the highest form of relaxation.

Frequent nail salon visitor Lucy Parry said there was nothing like having hard ovals close to her sensitive fingertips sawed and plastered to make her feel calm and content.

Lucy said: “At the end of a long week, I like to treat myself by visiting a building that smells as chemical as a supervillain’s lab to pay for a woman to manhandle my appendages.

“A second woman, who I almost definitely won’t exchange any words with, will then violently sand, glue, or otherwise tamper with my perfectly fine natural nails before weighing them down with an absolute f**k-ton of gel.”

“It’s hard to choose a highlight. The little dryer that makes your skin feel like it’s burning? The terrifying mini sander that literally churns up the surface of your nail like a road grinder? It really is non-stop pampering making me feel so special.

“And when I walk out with my little reward to myself? I have impractical claws that mean I can’t even do up buttons. Absolutely perfect.”

She added: “I go every week now. Then to follow it up I treat myself to an addictive carcinogenic beverage that may cause me to shit myself. Isn’t life sweet?”