Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands. 

Hunched over a table in the Downing Street war room, surrounded by the heads of the Armed Forces, Cummings stabbed at Leicester on an illuminated map and asked how many megatons would be necessary to ‘wipe the virus out’.

He continued: “Yes, it’s a drastic step. But we cannot rule out the unthinkable if we are to save Britain. It’s what they did in the first Avengers film.

“The exits to the city are here, here, here and here. On all sides in fact. There’s no way we can contain them if they all make a run for it. I’m afraid it’s the only way.

“Damnit, General, you think I want to do this? To kill half a million people in a single instant? My conscience will never let me rest again. But history will know that we did the right thing.

“Ready the missiles. We nuke Leicester in one hour. May God have mercy on our souls.”

The prime minister then poked his head into the room, asking what was going on, and Cummings said it was nothing that need concern him.

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Flat earth conspiracy theorists now claiming there is a 'female orgasm'

CONSPIRACY theorists that believe the earth is flat and 9-11 was an inside job are now claiming that there is such a thing as a ‘female orgasm’. 

Flat earthers, who believe NASA and the Illuminati have conspired to dupe the public into believing the earth is spherical, have now suggested that women are actually capable of enjoying sex.

Tom Booker said: “Don’t believe the media brainwashing. This pandemic was made in America, there’s no curve on the horizon and women can climax just like men.

“Watch my YouTube channel. Of course, we haven’t got all the facts yet – it’s not like Hillary Clinton’s murders – but there’s compelling evidence that the orgasm’s powerful, thrilling and real.

“I know it’s hard to believe. Stuff like the earth being flat, surrounded on all sides by an impassable wall of ice and protected by a dome of polarised magnetism is obvious. This is more of a stretch.”

Dr Francesca Johnson said: “We try to keep an open mind, but empirical evidence from millions of women worldwide strongly points to this being false.

“However if anyone does have proof pointing to the existence of the female orgasm or, even better, could demonstrate how to achieve such a thing, I would be very interested in talking to them.”