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Mail reader hospitalised by idea of Rayner leadership

A DAILY Mail reader has been rushed to hospital after mentally picturing Angela Rayner as prime minister. 

Wayne Hayes of Watford is in critical condition after newspaper headlines caused him to imagine a Britain where a straight-talking working class Northern woman was installed in Downing Street where once giants like May, Truss and Johnson trod.

Paramedic Lauren Hewitt said: “For those whose bodies are habituated to the columns of Richard Littlejohn, this causes severe toxic shock.

“His middle-aged system can barely tolerate the idea of Starmer or Burnham being in power. A mouthy redhead with a regional twang was always going to be too much for his delicate constitution. He’s haemorrhaged all his organs at once and shat himself.

“The Mail knows the danger running images of Rayner poses to their readership, yet they irresponsibly do so anyway. At least the Daily Star has the moral leadership to put on devil horns and a witches’ nose to soften the anaphylactic shock.

“We’ve stabilised his condition with an IV of Sarah Vine columns, but there’s still no saying whether he’ll pull through. Our scans show massive irreversible brain damage, but that’s consistent with being a Mail reader.”

Wife Yvonne said: “If you think this experience will make Wayne grateful for the NHS, you don’t know him at all.”

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Being thrown into a pit of starving wolves: six can-Starmer-survive? scenarios

A BRITISH public incessantly faced with the question of whether Starmer can survive has come up with some more imaginative scenarios for it. Try these: 

Nathan Muir, Hitchin

“He can survive hearings about Mandelson vettings, sure, but can he survive six years in a Mongolian jail, locked up with the dregs of the Russian Mafia, fighting for every scrap of food, living on only his wits and the British reputation as peerless catamites? Because if he can then he deserves to stay the full term as prime minister, fair play.”

Norman Steele, Hythe

“Bollocks to surviving council elections. I’ll only respect him if he survives a pit full of starving wolves, crosses a swamp of alligators, then fights his way out of a soft play centre stocked with leopards, cobras and crazed honey badgers. And if being mugged turns liberals to conservatives, all that should make him further right than Tommy Robinson.”

Jo Kramer, Warwick

“We keep hearing how he’s under pressure, To prove it doesn’t bother him, he should journey to the bottom of the Marianas Trench in a submersible he’s constructed himself, then be catapulted directly into space. Then and only then will he have the necessary authority to propose limited trade alignment with the EU.”

Helen Archer, East Grinstead

“See, this is why we traditionally temper our politicians in the seething Darwinian cauldron of Eton. Because if they can get through five years of insane snobbery, indiscriminate buggery, beatings on the fives court and total parental indifference, politics is nothing.”

Julian Cook, Chelsea

“I’m seeing a lot of headlines about the hantavirus. So that, and then how about he continues to do his job in a Hazmat suit while his body is used as an incubator for a series of terrible diseases, eventually expiring at the dispatch box? While Streeting, Rayner and the rest do their very best to look sad.”

Bill McKay, Warrington

“Global thermonuclear war. The great thing is we don’t have to go to any trouble because Trump’s going to China to meet Xi this week to set it off. If he can clamber to the irradiated surface and deliver a speech about getting the tough choices right as the last man on earth, he’s earned it. Though we all know in that situation it’ll be Farage.”

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