Man who condemned you and your family to years of poverty didn't like doing it

THE man who has condemned you and your family to years of freezing poverty did not enjoy doing so, he has confirmed.

Jeremy Hunt, chancellor by default, confirmed that the unprecedented drop in your standard of living was difficult for him to administer, that inside he was crying and that he hopes you will remember that come the next election.

He continued: “Raising taxes the way I did went against all my natural instincts. I was able to repress those and do it, but I did not feel good about it. Make a note.

“And for a growth guy, like me, to be condemning you all to two years of recession? It felt terrible. I’m not ashamed to say I hit the 18-year-old single malt pretty hard afterwards.

“So while you’re suffering all your privations of bills and inflation and losing your jobs, remember this was not something I wanted. But if the markets are to have faith in the Tories again, I had no choice.

“Could you see my anguish on the news? It felt palpable.”

Member of the public Tom Logan said: “I feel terrible for Jeremy, it must have been really hard for him. Thank God he’s extremely wealthy and won’t be in any way affected by it.”

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10 surprisingly good reasons not to have sex before marriage

EVEN in 2022 people are still choosing not to have sex before marriage. Instead of scoffing, let’s be open-minded and assess the benefits of this sexually frustrating lifestyle choice.

You’ll save a fortune. The average singleton spends thousands in bars and clubs trying to get laid. You’ll save the deposit on a house in no time, apart from a sizeable monthly outlay on tissues. 

You can be crap in bed (men). Once you’re married your partner is stuck with you and your blink-and-you-miss-it lovemaking. You’re guaranteed to come, so it’s a pretty sweet deal. Until your wife starts banging the Sainsbury’s delivery guy, which makes returning overripe bananas even more awkward.

You can be crap in bed (women). Your sexual unadventurousness and/or laziness is no longer a problem. Admittedly your husband might have an affair, but judging by recent history most men will content themselves with MILF porn and a packet of Hobnobs.

No relationship grief. While you’re single there’ll be no arguments, no jealousy, not even any boring discussions about whether to get a mixer tap. Unfortunately after ten years of this sexless utopia a normal relationship will seem like a snake pit of hatred and tension and you’ll be forced to live and die a lonely hermit.

Your sexual performance cannot be judged. If you’re both virgins there’s nothing to compare it with. A minute of joyless mechanical pumping or a blowjob once every two years makes you the greatest lover of all time.

No condoms. Condoms are a massive hassle, so committing to the same person until you die is a small price to pay. You’ll spend years prior to that wanking unsatisfyingly, but at least it’s ‘bareback’.

It’s educational. Sex before marriage was forbidden during much of history, so it’s a great way to learn about the past. Mainly you’ll learn that people were incredibly sexually frustrated. And that Pride and Prejudice should have included many, many scenes of ‘rubbin’ the nubbin’.

Sex is dirty and frightening. Obviously this is an unhealthy mental hang-up and you should get counselling. As a quick fix though, it’s hard to deny just not having sex works.

You won’t go to Hell. You can’t prove a negative, so there’s a tiny chance that God might exist and punish you for extramarital sex. Abstinence reduces this risk to zero. Unfortunately God is notoriously bad at unambiguous communication. Maybe he wanted us to have sex with cocker spaniels, and now only a handful of perverts are going to Heaven.   

There’s a great social life. For men there’s the chance to meet like-minded guys and chat online or go for a beer. These people are known as ‘incels’ and will give you some great ideas for repulsive neck beards.