Subscribe

Mandelson detained in circle of chalk inscriptions and chicken blood

POLICE detained Peter Mandelson using a series of arcane magicks to prevent him from escaping to the netherworld from whence he came, they have confirmed. 

Lord Mandelson’s flesh avatar on this plane of existence was contained by the Metropolitan Police after they consulted the relevant codexes for dealing with Satanic beings escaping justice by fleeing to Hell.

A spokesperson said: “We originally thought that shaking a cross at Mandelson would scare him. Then he began to mutter diabolical incantations.

“Holy water sprinklers only provoked him to shapeshift into a crackling black mist you couldn’t look at directly without being cast back to your moment of greatest shame, so we had to call in the force exorcist from Bermondsey.

“He quickly drew the inscription and captured the Prince of Darkness’s inchoate form within a circle, reinforcing it with the chicken blood and corpse-candles. Standard procedure handed down from the old witchfinding days.

“Anyway, I’m happy to report that Mandelson was successfully trapped in a cracked mirror and posed no further threat to the public until a few hours later when he was released on bail.”

Mandelson said: “Claims that I was going to fly to the British Virgin Islands on eight-foot leathery wings are completely baseless.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Are you winning so much you really don't know what to do about it? Here's what to do

ARE you, like Trump’s America, ‘winning so much you really don’t know what to do about it’? Here’s what to do about it: 

Accept winning

Instead of, with your loser mentality, becoming befuddled with the insane amount of winning you’re doing recently, try to accept it as your due. Like Trump does, believe that scratchcard tenner came to you because of your innate superiority and welcome yourself into a new world where you cannot lose by investing the win in new scratchcards.

Share your win with others

Not the actual cash value obviously, that’s for you and you alone to hoard, but the fact it happened. Boast about it. Share how fantastic it is now you’re winning, that you truly can’t comprehend the pathetic mindset of those who oppose your wins, and that you are never going back to a time without wins. Ignore the queue behind you at the newsagent.

Win less

Temper your arrogance at your unbroken record of wins with a little humility, so it’s easier for the less fortunate to identify with you. Take a minor loss, like Trump did by withdrawing ICE from Minnesota after they murdered two innocent people, and you’ll seem more human. Lose on Mega Cashword like it’s no big deal, discarding it over your shoulder.

Remember what you’ve overcome

If your wins, which are the largest, most triumphant wins ever won in the history of humankind, begin to feel so overwhelming you’re barely even able to remember them like a senile old man at a podium, remember the haters. Focus your loathing on those who didn’t believe in you, like the woman at Jobcentre Plus, and your victories will be all the sweeter.

Enumerate your achievements

List every single thing that makes you a winner, and don’t worry if not all of them are based in reality. Your incredible wit, fantastic sense of style, higher-than-ever level of Income Support and forthcoming fortunes will all help you cope with being such a winner. Then scratch off your Single Double Triple and Sapphire 7s Doubler.

Celebrate

When you’re winning so much why not? Okay, those specific scratchcards weren’t winners but you can still snatch a bottle of value gin, run for it and toast yourself on a piece of waste ground beside a burnt-out portakabin, like Trump does by the pit that was once the east wing of the White House. Then back to your bedsit, where the police await.

Next story ›