May rebooted live on air

THE moment during last night’s Paxman interview when Theresa May crashed and had to be restarted has been judged her low point by viewers. 

Millions watched as an unbent paperclip was inserted into a small hole behind the Conservative leader’s ear and depressed for four seconds to return her to normal function. 

Audience member Nathan Muir said: “She was answering a question about police cuts by talking about something completely different, as normal, but the answer just didn’t stop.

“They did a reset and her eyes flashed green for a while, then she revived properly but they still had to wait for a network connection, then she was back up and running. 

“It does slightly put me off voting for her, but then Windows constantly crashing puts me off and I haven’t got any other fucking choice there either.” 

Campaign manager Carolyn Ryan said: “If she gets any worse we’ll end up going back to factory settings, and on those she still supports Remain.” 

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Dog struggling to understand concept of dignity

A DOG has been left confused after the concept of dignity was explained to him.

Labrador Stephen Malley’s owner gave him a long lecture about personal pride after he extensively licked his genitals and anus during dinner time.

He said: “Apparently I would not be so obsessed with my arse and balls if I had ‘pride’ and behaved in a ‘dignified way’.

“But surely if I didn’t keep them clean then that wouldn’t be very dignified, would it?”

Malley’s owner Mary Fisher also explained how he should not sniff other dogs’ arses, eat cow pats or stick his head up women’s skirts.

He added: “I can’t shake hands for obvious reasons, so putting my nose in someone’s groin is the nearest I can manage to a formal greeting.

“If Mary’s so right and proper then how come she puts my shits in a bag, presumably for her personal shit collection. It’s the hypocrisy that offends me.”