Michael Gove's guide to cocaine parties

HAVE you been invited to a cocaine party but are worried you won’t know what to do? Here Michael Gove explains all you need to know.

Play it cool

When you arrive at a cocaine party, don’t say “Excuse me, everyone, I’d like some drugs, please”. Instead play it cool and whisper to each guest, “Who’s holding the nose candy, baby? I wanna get hiiiggghhh.”

Be aware of the effects

Cocaine makes you talkative and removes inhibitions. This is good because you can hold forth on pet topics such as EU fisheries policy or your love of steam locomotives without realising everyone wants you to f*ck off, as usual.

Don’t sneeze and blow the cocaine everywhere

This has never happened to me but I saw it in the Woody Allen film Annie Hall. Goodness, Woody Allen, what a weird, dysfunctional little runt in glasses he is! You have to feel sorry for the guy.

Remember cocaine is a drug that ‘makes things happen’

If you’ve taken enough cocaine you can find yourself doing crazy, irresponsible things you wouldn’t normally, such as staying up until 1am to watch the end of a film or dipping a bourbon biscuit in a pot of double cream.

Don’t be a w*nker about it

Avoid toe-curling slang such as ‘Colombian marching powder’ or ‘showbiz sherbert’. Refer to cocaine in a mature and normal way, such as ‘groovy dudes’ staying-up-late nasal flour’.

Call the police

Although I have taken cocaine in the past, as a Tory leadership candidate I now feel differently about the issue. If you go to a party where drugs are being used, call 999 and hope your friends get 12 years each, the law-breaking scum.

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Flirt at work

Joking flirtations based on how little sex you get at home not only reveal how desperately horny you are, they probe into whether others are getting any. Anyone staring into the middle distance and smiling broadly is clearly getting loads, the bastard.

Share your troubles anonymously online

Take to Reddit and admit how little sex you’re getting where, according to community, you will be mocked, ridiculed, advised you might be queer, ordered to hate everyone or go viral.

Spy on your neighbours

Do hands-on research by drilling a discreet hole in the party wall and seeing what next-door get up to. You could even miss opportunities for sex while peeping.

Bring it up after the third pint every single time

Unknowingly develop a reputation for always, without fail, asking about friends’ sex lives after the third pint is sunk. Bear in mind anyone who says ‘Yeah, I’m red raw this week,’ has been lying since first saying it, aged 16, in 1995.


And stop bloody worrying.