Miliband not even good at masturbating

ED Miliband cannot even masturbate like a proper grown-up, it has been confirmed.

Claims the Labour leader broke his wrist while walking up a hill have been dismissed as a complete and utter lie which, once again, displays his unbridled contempt for British voters.

Sources revealed the injury happened last week after Miliband witnessed Glenda Jackson’s barnstorming performance in the House of Commons Thatcher death debate.

A senior Labour figure said: “As soon as Glenda sat down, he raced back home and watched Women in Love in his man-cave.

“We think he was doing it while jumping up and down on his little sofabed. He’s either gone over the back of it or bounced off it at an awkward angle and banged the whole ‘arrangement’ against the edge of his desk.”

Miliband was also understood to be angry at criticism from Tony Blair and embarked on reckless masturbation because he had ‘something to prove’.

The source added: “It’s admirable of Ed to want to fight back with a radical display of onanism, but he needs to learn that often it’s better to masturbate pragmatically.

“We should have chosen David. He’s really good at masturbating.”

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Compromise version of 'Ding Dong' to be sung by Leonard Cohen

A COMPROMISE has been reached to help Britain solve its Ding Dong the Witch is Dead problem.

With the BBC under right-wing pressure to ban the song, the broadcaster suggested a version sung by Leonard Cohen, the Canadian music poet.

A spokesman said: “The composers of ‘Ding Dong’ intended it to be triumphalist and optimistic. A witch was dead. A wicked witch.

“But while Margaret Thatcher left a divisive legacy, there is no evidence the Wicked Witch of the East took what she felt were the necessary though difficult steps to liberalise the Oz economy.

“She was just horrible and the Munchkins were right to dance around in the way they did.”

He added: “In order to reflect the true nature of Britain’s relationship with Lady Thatcher, a Leonard Cohen version would reflect great joy while at the same time being utterly depressing.

“A bit like The Saturdays doing First We Take Manhattan.”

The corporation said it could also offer a double speed version that would make Cohen sound like an old, wise Munchkin. Like the mayor, or the one with the glasses.