Millionaire donor racism less serious than regular racism, says government

THE government has clarified that racist comments made by a millionaire donor are not as serious as regular race-based bigotry.

While comments about hating all black people and shooting Diane Abbott might sound racist to the untrained ear, the government has pointed out they are not a big deal because they were said by a man who gave them £10 million.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Take it from us, a party that only cares about old white people who vote for us, Frank Hester’s racist comments are nothing to worry about.

“If they were said by an asylum seeker or worse, a Labour MP, then you’d be right to take to the streets with pitchforks and flaming torches. In fact we’d be right behind you, cheering you on.

“But instead they came from our mate with deep pockets, which means you should laugh it off and go back to more pressing concerns like that photo of Princess Kate. Where the f**k is her wedding ring?

“Don’t forget, donor racism is different to proper racism. It’s just a bit of fun like Til Death Do Us Part and Little Britain. Stop being so woke about it.

“It’s not like we’re wearing white pointy robes and parading around a burning cross. Although if Frank Hester got caught doing that we’d let him off because he’s probably being ironic and we like money.”

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People who don't follow football still under impression Man United are amazing 

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

People who do not follow football and absorbed the tiny amount they know about it during the 1990s are still labouring under the misapprehension that the team are at the top of the league.

Martin Bishop, aged 43, said: “Which is the best British football team? Manchester United, obviously. They win everything, don’t they?

“It’s a f**king boring game anyway, all that pointless chasing up and down, but having Manchester United constantly thrashing all comers for the last 30 years must make it completely unwatchable.

“And I feel sorry for that other Manchester team who are destined to forever fester in United’s long, invincible shadow. The only thing they’ve got going for them is that Oasis are fans, must boost their reputation a bit having one of the world’s biggest bands on board.

“My eight-year-old son is beginning to show an interest in football. For his birthday we bought him a Manchester United shirt, what with them being the greatest ever team and everything. He wept with what I can only assume was happiness, bless him.”

Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag said: “Lucky for me, most Manchester United fans don’t really follow football either.”