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'My Creme Egg did not bear the likeness of Christ': six Easter culture war arguments

UP for a scrap with the lefties, and it’s Easter? Willing to leverage chocolate eggs being in shops into a solid reason for an outburst of anti-Muslim prejudice? Here’s how: 

Jesus isn’t on your Creme Egg

Can you believe it? Back in the 90s, you’re pretty sure, each and every egg bore a chocolate bas-relief of the Christian messiah. But you fastidiously licked out all the fondant and he’s not even on the inside. Nor has he spontaneously appeared on any which used to happen all the time back when we didn’t have mosques.

Rabbits are anti-British

Kids may like cute creatures like chicks and bunnies, but where’s the Yorkie bulldog egg? If M&S can make Sunny the Sloth out of chocolate, why not Steve the Spitfire? Rabbits are left-wing because they multiply like crazy, just like immigrants. And yet we encourage children to make felt cards bearing these fluffy freeloaders. This country.

Easter isn’t mentioned enough

The horror! One business has dared to include the words “spring” and “celebrations” in its marketing as well as Easter. Synonyms, or anti-white racism? Everything should have Easter aggressively emblazoned on it in Comic Sans, and heavens forbid you see the word ‘bad’ written anywhere on this special Friday.

The eggs aren’t round anymore

Every child knows that Easter eggs represent the boulder Jesus – who was hench – rolled away from his tomb. That’s not bullshit made up by a vicar, that’s in the actual Bible. Now? Weird shapes, not to disguise shrinkflation, but because they’re non-representative artwork such as recommended by the Prophet Mohammed.

Supermarkets stay open

It’s a true sign of decay in society that while the big Tesco is closed on Easter Sunday, the little one is still allowed to remain open. How can people be expected to nobly contemplate faith, war films, and the rest of our British values when they still have the ability to pop out and buy a meal deal?

Something to do with the National Trust

Egg hunt not suitably reverent? If they are giving out chocolate to kids that’ll rot their teeth, but plastic or wooden ones? Against tradition and nanny-state nonsense. And they should be hunting the eggs with spears, like the Crusaders did. See? There’s always something to have a bash at if you try hard enough.

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Your landlord, and other calls that are a real dilemma to pick up mid-wank

YOU don’t want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

Your manager

Are you getting fired? Did they find out about what you said about them in that email chain? But is the thought of them sternly telling you off not slowing you down at all and you’ve just discovered a kink you didn’t know you had? These are all questions that are worth stopping to think about, but you’re not going to.

Your mum

All the Freudian issues this call raises are bad enough, but the main problem is that you know your mum will be on your case if you ignore her. Is answering mid-wank better or worse than not answering at all? Is there a special circle of Hell you’ll be damned to if you do both? Luckily the deeply unerotic thought of you mum droning on about your father’s bladder problems has called an end to proceedings as far as your penis is concerned.

Your landlord

When was the last time your landlord called with good news? When was the last time they called at all? They might be calling you to tell you the neighbours can see what you’re doing and you need to close the curtains, or you might be about to become homeless. Best not to answer – you just won’t be able to enjoy your depraved internet filth after that.

Your partner

Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend – whichever they are, they’re still not the porn actor you’re trying to mentally picture yourself doing the nasty with right now. Whether you should answer depends on how healthy your relationship is. They might appreciate that you’re a sexual being and not be fazed by some harmless, perfectly natural masturbation. Or they might instantly dump you for being a horrible sleazy bastard, and from now on you’ll be spending a lot more time on Pornhub than you want to. It’s your call.

An unrecognised number but it has your area code

Okay, a number you don’t know, that’s obviously spam, you can ignore that and get on with your grubby onanism. But a call from a landline? A landline in your town or city? That adds a layer of mystery to the situation. It’s a test of character – are you intellectually curious enough to answer, or are you a sinful beast devoid of any thoughts except self-gratification? Yep, that one’s not getting answered.

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