Osborne putting off doing Budget

GEORGE Osborne is putting off doing the Budget with a series of trivial distractions.

Senior Tories believe the chancellor is avoiding the Budget with activities such as rearranging his CD collection and playing World of Tanks.

David Cameron said: “I know the Budget is boring, but George really needs to knuckle down or he’ll just have to make it up on the spot like last year.

“Whenever I ask him how it’s going, he just goes ‘yeah, good’ then says he’s got to clean the cooker or something.

“I keep telling him that how we spend £690bn is more important than selling the old rowing machine he never uses on eBay. And the Budget only happens once a year, whereas he can take his old paperbacks to Sue Ryder any time.

“If it’s just pensioners getting fucked again I’ll know he’s not even tried to do anything original.”

Osborne reacted angrily to suggestions that he was avoiding doing the Budget, saying that Facebook is a vital part of his communications strategy.

He added: “There’s loads of time. Anyway that’s how I work best, staying up the night before a deadline with a shitload of energy drinks and a grab bag of Starburst.”



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Shit-faced Theresa May in minimum price revolt

DAVID Cameron has ditched plans for minimum alcohol pricing after a revolt by the Cabinet’s problem drinkers.

Ministers who hit it really hard at least three times a week backed the prime minister into a corner and spoke to him at an uncomfortably close range.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “I told him ‘you don’t know anything about me’. I said to him ‘you’re doing it all wrong, you’re shit at this, let me do it’.

“You agree with me, right? You and me have always been very… you know. The thing about me, right – the thing about me – is that I know what’s really going on. You know… behind the scenes. I’m very good at that.”

Michael Gove said: “Fuckin’ minimum what? Fuckin’… what?  Fuck you. No, fuck you. NO, FUCK YOU.

“You got any fags on you?”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Mrs May and Mr Gove were both quite intimidating in the cabinet meeting. There was definitely an air of menace that could have led to someone falling over.

“But in actual fact the prime minister made the decision after setting an upper limit on how much he wants to be despised by everyone.

“A deeply unpopular man has decided not to make a thing you really enjoy even more expensive. That is basically it.”

May added: “I’ve only had two glasses of wine. I just didn’t have any lunch, that’s all.

“Touch my bum.”