55% Will Vote For Last Person They Saw On Television

THE last person to be seen on television making a speech has established an enormous lead in the opinion polls, according to the latest surveys.

Asked who they would vote for if there was an election tomorrow, 55% said 'that posh man in a suit who made that speech on the television the other afternoon'.

This was a complete reversal on the previous week when the same 45% of voters said they would vote for 'that Scottish man in a suit who had made a speech on television the day before'.

However, there was bad news for both men in suits from the same poll which showed that if an election was called tomorrow neither would beat Alan Titchmarsh, who had the support of 90% of voters as he had been on television twice since the weekend.

Meanwhile, 100% of those polled just after the end of the Richard and Judy show called for the immediate reinstatement of the death penalty.

Martin Bishop, professor of politics at Reading University, said the poll results provided the best arguments he had ever seen in support of universal suffrage and the democratic process.

He said: "These people told us that they want to see Richard Madeley being dragged on a barrow through the streets of London to Tower Hill and then hung up until almost dead and then cut down and his entrails torn out and waved at him during the last few agonising seconds of his life, after which they would like to see his head would cut off and stuck on a spike outside the Houses of Parliament.

"What sane person could possibly vote against that?"


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Brown Pees Pants

THE Prime Minster Gordon Brown has peed in his pants, Downing Street announced last night.

Officials said Mr Brown was in his study watching an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch when the accident occurred.

It is the latest pant-peeing crisis for the Prime Minister who soiled himself last week after being frightened by a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.

Weekend newspapers also carried embarassing revelations of Mr Brown being chased along Whitehall by a four year-old girl holding a kitten.

Aides insist the Prime Minister managed not to pee himself on that occasion but did spend rest of the afternoon in the lavatory.

The Prime Minister is already sleeping with the light on and refuses to meet with the National Fishermen's Federation.

According to senior Labour figures Mr Brown believes fishermen carry big nets and intend to kidnap him and feed him to an octopus.

A Downing Street source added: "He insists on watching TV shows that he knows will scare him. Witches? Spells? Talking cats? I'm amazed there wasn't a chair full of number twos.

"Imagine if he'd been watching Buffy? We'd have had to prise him off the ceiling with a shovel."