6 ways to celebrate Brexit Eve

BIG Ben may not be bonging, but that’s no reason not to celebrate leaving the world’s largest trading bloc on January 31st. Try these: 

Remoaners in the Stocks
Anyone who voted Remain was wrong and hated Britain, so time to teach them a good-natured lesson. Get them in the stocks and pelt them with vegetables until they say sorry, accept their apology, shake hands, all settled.

Brexit Community Cook-off
Under Boris Johnson Brexit will be so smooth nobody will need their stockpiled food and toilet paper. So bring the street together with a cook-off and bonfire where everyone chips in. Those deep-seated rifts will be healed by a stew made of tinned ravioli and Spam.

Bung a Bob for Bunting
Crowdfunding Big Ben fell flat, but bunting’s much more manageable. Ask people to donate red, white and blue material to cover the UK with tiny triangular symbols of their jingoism and after January 31st it can be repurposed to create a line down the Irish sea. It’s not a border if it’s flappy, fun and patriotic.

Racist Grandparent Day
It’s all for them really, so let’s join the older generation’s joy, all dress up as xenophobic pensioners and spend the day wallowing in prejudice. Don’t miss the midnight Golliwog Parade.

NHS Trolley Dash
To celebrate all the extra money the NHS will be getting under Brexit, dress as a nurse and race around a hospital with a patient on a trolley. When finished just leave them in any corridor, in accordance with current NHS practice.

Bonk a Brit Day
In honour of the values of Brexit architect Boris Johnson, go out and shag someone. Preferably British, but no problem if it’s someone foreign and helpful who knows their place. Happy Brexit, everyone.

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Scientists discover fourth takeaway option

SCIENTISTS have announced the discovery of a fourth takeaway option that is neither Chinese, Indian and pizza. 

The discovery promises to revolutionise Friday and Saturday evenings for millions of hungry, lazy bastards.

Dr Julian Cook said: “I can’t reveal much just yet but we’re all confident this isn’t another false breakthrough, like Thai food.

“I can say that the takeaway meets our three criteria: it can be ordered in endless fussy variations that are largely identical, it comes in lots of little boxes and it’s absolutely delicious.

“For the moment, the particular ethnic cuisine it is based on – obviously bastardised for the British palate by adding loads of sugar – is a closely guarded secret.

“We still have a lot of tests to run, including trying it under cold morning hangover conditions and a battery of booze compatibility checks, but by October we should be running limited trials in Scotland. If the subjects survive, it’s ready to market.”

Takeaway fan Nathan Muir said: “I hope it makes me feel bloated and guilty. That’s my favourite.”