‘A hooded stranger holding a pig’s head told me he could make me prime minister’

My story, by David Cameron

It is Oxford, November 1987 and I am in the private room of a restaurant with a few of my closest friends.

The wine and laughter are flowing when suddenly the music stops, the lights dim and my friends leave hurriedly, like a flock of birds spooked by a deadly predator.

In the doorway, I see a hooded figure carrying a large velvet bag that I assume contains some sort of sports ball.

The figure approaches me, his face hidden, always, in shadow. And then he speaks, his voice smooth yet also disturbingly rough.

“Hello David. Do you mind if I call you David?”. “No, of course not,” I reply. “Who are you?”.

“My name is not important. Let’s just say that I want to help you. Do you have dreams David?”

“Well yes, I think that one day I would very much like to be the prime minster of this great country.”

“Then what if I told you that I could make that dream come true? Would that be something that would interest you, David?”

“Why, yes, of course.”

“Well, in that case David, I need you to do something for me.”

He then opened the bag carefully and produced the head of a dead pig and told me to stick my penis in its mouth. Like anyone in that situation, I immediately did as he asked. In the dim light a camera flashed.

In the days that followed I became alive with the certain knowledge that the great power I craved would one day be mine.

But time passed and I started to wonder if, perhaps, I had been duped by a massive pervert. Then, in October 1993, I was invited to a reception at News International. I mingled nervously before a young secretary from the News of the World called Rebekah took me gently by the elbow and ushered me towards Rupert Murdoch.

The great man looked me in the eye and told me how impressed everyone was with my work as a special adviser at the Treasury and Home Office and that he was sure I had an ‘important future’.

At first I was mesmerised, but as I listened to him I thought, ‘that voice, it sounds so familiar…’

Anyway, turns out he did the same thing to Tony Blair, but with a goat.


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This is all so undignified, says dead pig oral sex guy

RESPONDING to allegations about oral sex with a dead pig would be ‘undignified’, according to a man who once had oral sex with a dead pig.

The man said it would be ‘beneath him’ to comment on the disgusting thing that he did with a dead pig while being cheered on by some other equally vile men.

The man, who is now known by everyone as ‘the dead pig oral sex guy’, added: “I’m better than that.”

It is understood the man is now focused on ‘getting on with the job’ and is determined to put the oral sex with a dead pig behind him.

But experts stressed the man’s job was one of those positions where it is important not to be known as ‘the dead pig oral sex guy’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “A few years ago a man in a similar line of work became known as ‘the cigar up the vagina guy’. And he still is.

“That was very bad. But I think we can all agree it’s not quite as bad as being ‘the dead pig oral sex guy’.

“Then again, maybe everyone will just forget about it.”